burnyoudown | Open RP Post

[To his credit, Kavinsky listened quietly, though he couldn't help the small pang he felt when Ronan said there was another boy he liked. They weren't anything anymore, they were barely friends, and he had Adam. He didn't have a right to be jealous. Either way, he shook his head slowly.]

You're wrong, man. You weren't a shitty boyfriend. If I'd thought you were, I wouldn't have tried to stick with you. I wanted you because I cared. Asshole.

[The last bit was almost fond though, a certain softness where he didn't entirely mean it as an insult. It felt better to know that Ronan did want him, did care about him, even now.]

There might be a chance we could work something out. [He wasn't going to get his hopes up, but there was a chance.] Adam said I could kiss you if the opportunity presented itself. So long as I told him about it.

[He waved a hand a little.]

I'm not saying we should kiss- [Or was he?] -but it's on the table. If you want to.

[If it wouldn't be cruel for Ronan, to kiss a boy he might not be able to date.]

I know you did. You were always good to me, you know. Even when we were fighting-- I knew you cared.

[And then he's quiet and he forgets to fucking breathe because... because what the fuck. Ronan hadn't even considered that this might be an option, a possibility. And he knows that he shouldn't get his hopes up, because it's just a chance. And Ronan-- he isn't sure what would make Adam offer that to someone he was dating. He couldn't help worrying that the idea of working something out was something Adam didn't really want.

And even Ronan can recognize that that's the sort of thing that he'd have to talk to the other boy to be certain of. But somehow, the idea of kissing him just this once, that seemed a little less.. charged, a little less like he was stepping into something that could only make things worse.]

You and Adam.. talked about me? About kissing me? And you're sure he's really okay with it?

[There's something to the question, hopeful and shy and uncertain all at once. But he reached up, letting his fingers brush against Kavinsky's dark hair and then curling against the line of his jaw. Not kissing him yet, but it was a touch that said that he would, that he wanted to. Because of course he did, he always wanted to kiss Kavinsky. Much like how he always wanted to kiss Adam, but he didn't know how to talk about that. He'd never told anyone, outside of silent prayer.

Maybe things would have been better if he had, if instead of being scared at the idea of having to be Kavinsky's boyfriend when there was this other boy he liked, he'd just talked to him about it. He had always been more understanding with Ronan than Ronan was with himself.]

I don't think you would, to be clear-- but just for the record, if you're bullshitting me, I'll punch you in the face. But.. do you still want to kiss me? 'Cause I've never stopped.

Edited (freaking typos) 2022-07-11 00:36 (UTC)

[Kavinsky laughed, a little breathless, a little dreamy just from the way Ronan touched him. It'd been so long and he'd thought Ronan would never touch him like this again.]

Yeah, we did. I asked him if he was sure, too. He said he was.

I wouldn't bullshit about this. I don't want to hurt him.

[He stepped in closer, invading Ronan's personal space until they were nearly nose to nose. He met Ronan's eyes and only looked away briefly to glance down at his mouth, his beautiful mouth, the curve of his lips.]

I definitely want to kiss you.

[It was a murmur, soft and heated, and normally it would be a promise of something more, but not this time. This time the only promise was the kiss itself, because not only did he care about Adam but he respected him, too. He wouldn't fuck around; finding out would hurt.]

I don't want to hurt him either. I-- you're gonna have to talk to me about that shit you said where I might have a chance.

[He says I don't want to hurt him maybe a bit more intently than someone might expect from Ronan, who spent a lot of his time doing his best to seem like he didn't give a fuck about anyone. Even his friends, even Kavinsky. But it was bullshit, of course, always had been. The words trail off into a brief quiet, like there's too much in that space for him to say it in words, and then he hides it in truth. He shivered a little at the way that Kavinsky invaded his personal space, and Ronan lets him, almost casual about it, when in truth his heart is racing, beating in his ribcage like a trapped animal. He can feel the way that he looks at his mouth, and he wants him like muscle memory. Like it hasn't been months.

Of course, he knows that isn't what this is. And he meant every word when he said that he wouldn't -- but it doesn't mean that he doesn't feel it, that heat doesn't simmer in his veins, that he doesn't want to push him up against a wall.

But even morals aside, Ronan doesn't want to fuck things up for them, when they look so good together. Happy. And Ronan knew how ephemeral that feeling was for boys like them. For Dreamers. He'd already hurt Kavinsky once by not being able to tell him that he cared. He wasn't going to do it again by saying it at the wrong time.

But what he was going to do, was kiss Joseph Kavinsky this once. He trusted him when he said it was okay, that he wouldn't hurt Adam. So he closes the distance between them, pressing their mouths together, his other hand going to Kavinsky's side, fisting in the fabric of his shirt and using it to pull him close. His other hand against his jaw is softer, but the way he kisses him is almost desperate -- affection and softness, but also needy, like he might devour him.

Ronan kisses him like he thinks that it might be the only chance he ever gets.

So he tries to kiss all the words he didn't say into his mouth, all the sweetness he was too scared to give him. He kisses him almost like he's trying to memorize this: the way their lips brush, how he tastes, the weight of his body against him- always lighter than he should be. He kisses him like he wants to shape it into a reflex, something that he can keep. At least in a dream.

His hand against his jaw shift so he can brush his fingertips against his cheek, just stroking soft skin and the line of his face, and it hits something in him. It's either.. too good or too much, he doesn't quite know, but he pulls back, breathless, trying to smear away the tears with the back of his fist. He coughs, trying to catch his breath, and he laughs with a shake of his head. He thinks he's ruined, all over again. But maybe he's fooling himself that he ever wasn't.]

Fuck, K-- Can we.. talk to me? Like I'm dumb.

[Ronan wasn't the only one. Kavinsky kissed him like it might be the last time he ever got to do it. Maybe it was cruel, in hindsight, to kiss a boy you cared about and might not be able to date. Maybe it hurt Ronan but- but Kavinsky couldn't help it. He cared about him and Adam had said this was okay. That was the important part of it, that Adam said he could do this.

When Ronan pulled back, Kavinsky tried to chase his mouth for a moment before realizing how emotional he was. Fuck but it made K want to kiss him again, kiss away his tears, kiss him until he smiled. He refrained though, no matter how much he wanted to.

Sucking in a breath, he nodded.]

Yeah, okay. That part's easy.

[He was teasing but it was fond and not meant to be cruel.]

Adam said I could kiss you. He said we could talk about it if I- if you wanted me back.

[He watched Ronan for a moment after he said that. Kavinsky was sharp and not just in dangerous ways. He'd picked up on how intent Ronan had been a few moments ago. He was especially serious about not hurting Adam. And there was more to it than that. Adam had told K he'd driven Ronan's car for his driver's exam.

Gently, he added.]

So, how do you feel about Adam?

[He listens as Kavinsky says it, tries to process the words and not just stare at his mouth- because god, he wants to kiss him again. He can't help being emotional; he always has been once you got down to it. And he cares about Kavinsky, and about Adam. And as much as he feels, like he's wrecked for this beautiful boy in front of him all over again, there's this part of him that twists with something maybe like hope- like maybe he could kiss Kavinsky and Adam Parrish.

Because it sounds like a chance, something real. He can't imagine why Adam would make that sort of offer when they were so good together. But agreeing to talk was something he could believe, and it was something that didn't feel like taking advantage of something he didn't even quite grasp. But agreeing to talk about it was hope without promising one way or another.

He flushes at the way that Kavinsky asks him how he feels about Adam. It's gentle, like he knows, or suspects at least. That he knows it isn't an easy question for him to answer. If he hadn't approached it quite so tenderly, Ronan might have brushed it off, but this is- he doesn't know how. He kicks at the ground, scuffing the toe of one of his boots, worrying his bottom lip as he looks at the other boy carefully.]

The other boy. The one I said I liked? It was Parrish. I mean, he's gorgeous. I wanted him but I never would've had the courage to say something. And then one day Gansey's pulling Adam's bike out of the fucking Camaro. And I wanted to try- but you know how I am with that shit. So I just.. I dunno. I just did what I could to make it so that his life didn't suck, or so it wasn't more than he could take, anyway. Like I said, I don't think he ever figured it out. And I didn't ever want to leave you, I never wanted to not have you in my life. But I.. I wanted to kiss him, too. I just didn't know what--

[He shrugged his shoulders a little bit helplessly, looking at Kavinsky like he was still almost guilty about it. But tentatively, almost shyly he reaches up, letting his fingertips cup the line of his jaw. He doesn't kiss him, he just looks into his dark eyes, feelings he's never been good at saying.]

I do want you back. But I saw you in the hall together once. You're happy together. I don't want to take away from that.

[He wanted to- he didn't know. Add to it, maybe, if that wasn't impossibly selfish. He wanted to care for them both, give them all the damaged feelings he knew how. It just wasn't until this moment when he thought that was something he could even be allowed to offer.]

[It was funny how some things worked. Kavinsky had never been worried about Ronan leaving him for someone else but now that he knew the other boy was Adam, he felt... not jealousy, exactly, but he understood. Adam was gorgeous, and more than that he was a good person. Kavinsky wanted to make Adam's life better, too. He also, maybe, wanted to spend the rest of his life being part of Adam's life. But that didn't mean there wasn't room for Ronan, too. It was up to Adam, in the end, and Kavinsky loved him enough that he'd stand by whatever decision the other boy made.]

You're- [Kavinsky started and then he huffed out a laugh. Sweet, was what he was going to say, but it felt especially soft in this moment.]

We could talk to him, see what he says. He doesn't want to lose me but I don't think he has to. The three of us could spend time together, yeah? You guys wouldn't have to fight for my attention or time. This isn't the Hunger Games.

[He knew Adam was insecure about this prospect but he thought it might help that Ronan wanted him, too. It might make it less of a competition thing and more of a trio thing. Maybe. He felt selfish for wanting both of them but when was he not greedy?]

I'd like that. Talking about it. I know I fucked things up with you before, but.. I want to do better. I want- I'd like to be good, for both of you. And yeah, I want to spend time with both of you. I'd kinda be disappointed if I couldn't.

[He didn't really have any expectations here, just the idea of it was so much more than he'd come here asking for. He'd just wanted to see Kavinsky again, to race him and not feel like he'd lost everything, like he'd always be bleeding from this wound he couldn't talk about. He wanted to hug him, he wanted to cling to him and remember what it felt like to breathe- but he didn't want to overstep the lines when he didn't even really know what they were.

He figured he could wait until after they talked, and if he managed to not fuck things up- maybe he could hug him afterwards. Maybe he was letting himself get his hopes up, but- he'd take whatever he could get, really. Just to have them in their life.]

Is Adam coming to the party?

[He hadn't seen his shitbox when he'd headed in himself.]

[Wanting to be good for someone (or multiple someones) meant a lot, Kavinsky thought. It wasn't always about whether you succeeded or not but how hard you tried and how much you wanted it. At least, that was how he saw it, as a chronic fuck up.]

Right? That's what I tried to tell him, before.

[But things were different now, knowing Ronan wanted them both.

Kavinsky pulled his phone out, scrolling through his contacts.]

Yeah. He had to work late, but he'll be here. Gimme a minute.

[He ducked away, finding someplace a little quieter to stand before he actually called Adam. He hoped he wouldn't be interrupting anything. Like work.]

[Ronan does give Kavinsky the space to talk to Adam without having him leaning over his shoulder like a hopeful puppy, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to. He just isn't going to be that obvious about it, so he slinks off the grab a drink for a minute.]

Hey. You get impatient?

[It's teasing, his voice easy affection.]

But you're lucky, I just got off work so I should be there in about ten or so.

[Kavinsky appreciated having a moment or two to himself.]

Hey, babe. Yeah, something like that.

But, I wanted to talk to you about something. [He took a breath, combed his fingers through his hair.] Ronan's here. I kissed him. He wants both of us. Actually, he's wanted you for a long time.

[Alright, so he wasn't the most eloquent about how he worded things, but he was trying to lighten whatever possible emotional blow this news might bring. He didn't want Adam to doubt his worth or something.]

I told him I'd talk to you about things. I love you.

[That sure is a rollercoaster ride of feelings for Adam. There's a muted curse and the sound of his keys jangling as they hit the asphalt.]

Sorry, I dropped my keys. That's-- did you say Ronan wants me? I think I need you to say all of that again. Uh- slower this time?

I love you too. It's just.. a lot.

[He felt like his head was spinning. But in a good way, maybe.]

[Well, better his keys than his heart.]

I sure did.

[Kavinsky took a breath.]

Alright, so. He told me there was a guy he liked but I had to, uh, persuade him to tell me who. And it turns out that guy is you. He was just too chickenshit--sorry, worried about fucking everything up to make a move before. But he cares about you.

[With Kavinsky 'persuade' could mean a lot of things but in this case, it just meant, surprisingly, 'ask nicely'.]

[If it had been anyone else- probably even Ronan- Adam wouldn't have believed it. But he believed the sentiments Kavinsky had managed to extract from the other boy, the fact that it involved the words chickenshit before he rephrased it to sound nicer. Even if that last sentence was still hard to accept.]

Fuck.

[The past eighteen months of their relationship slowly rearranged itself as he scrubbed a hand over his face. He gets the car door open and slides into the seat just so that he can sit and breathe for a moment.]

I can't decide if I'm oblivious or if Ronan's an idiot.

[He bites his lip.]

Is this okay?

Ronan's an idiot.

[It was his immediate reply, without hesitation. He couldn't blame Adam for being a little oblivious when Ronan's methods of flirting were what they were.]

Is what okay? That he's into you? I'm not jealous or anything.

[He didn't think Adam was just going to suddenly leave him for Ronan.]

[Adam laughed softly, a smile on the other end of the line. Kavinsky wasn't wrong, of course. But Adam still felt sort of- like he'd failed to put together half of an equation.]

I just couldn't imagine having a chance. But he- I mean, when Aglionby raised tuition prices this year he bribed the church ladies to lower my rent. Some sort of "tax adjustment" that left me with a rent credit in the exact amount of the tuition increase. And he was always doing shit like that, but-

Then the rest of the time he was Ronan Lynch.

[He figures that Kavinsky knows what he means.]

Yeah, I just- it's different, isn't it? You don't mind if we share him?

[He's teasing a little, but it's also.. willingness. Interest. He'd told Kavinsky he'd wanted to kiss Ronan since his first day at Aglionby.]

He's stupid but he's sweet when he cares.

[Ronan's heart was in the right place--most of the time--Kavinsky thought. And K would do things like that for Adam, too, if he knew he wouldn't have to fight the other boy about it. But Adam was stubborn and determined and- it was part of why Kavinsky loved him.]

I wouldn't mind.

[Was he already thinking things like watching the other two kiss or-? Absolutely. Did he also think this was something that could make Adam even happier? Definitely. He liked it when Adam was happy; he deserved more reasons to smile.]

Imagine all the potential. [The potential threesomes he meant, but he didn't want to come right out and say it and risk spooking Adam. Because, honestly, he'd take things at whatever pace the other two were comfortable with. Adam meant a lot to him and Ronan was special. And, more importantly, Adam hadn't said no yet.]

He'd be good to you. And me.

That's exactly it, isn't it?

[He says it with warmth, at least. He doesn't mean it in a cruel sort of way- Ronan could be as smart as anyone when he applied himself. And he was sweet when he cared, when he tried.

Adam is quiet while he tries to puzzle through how he feels about this, what to do with this shift. He laughs a little when Kavinsky mentions the potential. And not too long ago, it probably would have spooked him. But now he just hums thoughtfully, with something like heat in his breath.]

You think that would work, having us all in bed together?

[He wasn't saying no. After a moment he shakes his head, because he thinks that Kavinsky's right.]

We can talk about it when I get there? Because- it feels like it might work. Like this way it's gaining something instead of losing things. But we still have to figure out.. what this would mean, and where the lines are. And I'm greedy, K.

[He says it sometimes, like a joke, but with Kavinsky he can stand to say it like this- where he means it. Where he can feel like his boyfriend wont judge him for it.]

I dunno. We can figure that out when we get that far, though.

[There wasn't a rush and he didn't want to make Adam feel pressured. Hell, Kavinsky would even take just chastely sleeping in the same bed with Adam and Ronan. He had a king size; it was plenty big enough for three teenage boys. Anybody's bed would do though, really.]

Yeah, okay. We've got all the time we need to figure this thing out. And I'm greedy, too. Always have been. I think it's- it's 'cause we never had a lot when we needed it. But I want you to be happy and not feel like you've gotta lose anything.

I'm not opposed to it. But yeah, we should talk first. And then see- what everyone's interested in?

[But Adam was more of a perv than most people thought that he was. He was just also.. he needed Kavinsky. And that had been a scary realization, one that lived under his skin. Possibly even scarier, was the idea that if he let him in- he might need Ronan too.

He would be perfectly happy to cuddle with the other two, even if they didn't take their clothes off- although he absolutely had threesome thoughts swimming in his head. But really, Kavinsky's bed was the best option. Adam's bed barely fit him alone, and he wasn't sure how Ronan would feel about taking them to the Barns.]

Yeah. I mean- living with my parents nothing was ever mine. I was always.. waiting for someone to take it away or for my father to ruin it. Especially if it was something I liked, or that made me happy. And now I just- I want so much. And you make it seem like I'm allowed to.

I love you.

Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

[Kavinsky didn't want to get ahead of himself, which he was prone to doing. If they rushed into something like this it could end messy. He'd had enough things end messy for him, he didn't need something like this to blow up in his face.]

Of course, you're allowed, sweetheart. I wish I could give you everything you need and want.

[Not just in a relationship, but things like money and cars and houses.]

I love you, too.

I mean, I'd want to. Once we know how it works. Having both of you?

[His breath gets a little rough, but it's with heat, not something negative. Not with worry. Instead- well, he's trying not to focus on the thought of being in bed with the two boys too much, or else he'll end up jerking off in his car before he leaves for the party. Adam didn't want this to blow up in their faces. He wanted- to take it slow, to make sure this was good for them.

But it feels good, knowing that Ronan wanted him. Ronan Lynch, who could have had anyone, and he wanted Adam Parrish. It wasn't a new feeling: it was the feeling he woke up with every morning, when he remembered Kavinsky loved him.]

You would if I let you. I know I've always made it... difficult for you. [He knows this is a tangent, but he knows how stubborn he is with these things is probably rough for the other boy. He only means to explain a little, but maybe everything else pushes it into something more.]

It's not just the money, you know. You have.. power. Over people, the world around you. And that's part of what scared me, part of why it was always easier to let Ronan do things for me than Gansey, why I fought you so hard at the beginning. I didn't want to be one of his things, I didn't want to be something else that he bought. And I thought that I didn't want to be one of your dogs.

[He takes a breath, like he's steadying himself, and his voice softens a little, his Henrietta accent coating his words, like this is some sort of secret.]

It's- security, safety. That's the other part. Gansey-- well, he was always gonna chase after whichever direction his dead king led. If I let him give me things, I'd rely on that, and then it'd all be gone whenever the wind carried him away. I figured you were sort of the same at first-- sorry.

[He apologizes for comparing him to Gansey, trying to put a little bit of levity into things. Ronan was tied to Henrietta the same way Adam was, with the weight of family names, but unlike Adam he didn't seem inclined to try and fight the pull. So as mercurial as he might be, Ronan would never leave taking every good thing with him.]

But you know, I thought eventually I was going to lose your interest and you'd walk away. So I could only accept what I could live without. But I-- I don't think that now. I think you're the best boyfriend that I could ever have found. More than Ronan, or Gansey, or anyone else in the world. And I want more. Because you make me feel safe. Like I could go to college and come back to you and kiss you in my dorm room and that we could-- make something together.

[For always. He isn't crying. He just-- okay, he is, but it doesn't feel like a bad thing, even if his ribs ache. He thinks it's just how big the feelings are. Bigger than I love you; even if he doesn't quite know the words to say them in.]

You still can't get me a car. But.. maybe some other things. We can talk about it?

[He'd meant to compromise, not spill his heart, but it feels okay anyway.]

[Damn right he'd do it if Adam let him. Kavinsky would spoil him rotten. But at the same time, he also sort of liked that Adam didn't let him do that. It assured him that Adam wasn't with him just because of his money. But on the other hand, he wished Adam would let him get him some things.]

You don't have to apologize.

[For as much as Kavinsky disliked Gansey, being compared to him wasn't an insult. There were probably a lot of people who wished they could be compared to Dick Gansey. The real truth was, Kavinsky wasn't going anywhere. And if he did, if he wanted to see the world? He'd take Adam with him. They could go to Italy or Spain or Hawaii, but he doubted Adam would let him buy him plane tickets.

The rest though, the rest made his breath hitch in his chest, just a little. Or more than a little. He'd never considered himself a good boyfriend before. He'd been a downright shitty one in the past. But he'd always been trying with Adam. Kavinsky wanted to treat him right, to make this last. He was desperately in love with Adam but there was more to it than that. Normally, K didn't believe in shit like soulmates. But with Adam? Adam made him believe.]

Maybe I should get you a ring.

[He sounded a little choked up and normally he'd brush it off and hide it, but he was safe with Adam, he knew that.

Scrubbing at his face, he took a breath.]

Okay. Talking's good.

Maybe you should.

[He rubbed at his eyes, damp with tears not because any of this was bad, but because he felt like he would burst with the feelings, with how his heart raced in his chest. With the sheer joy of it, of the boy he loved, that loved him back. Kavinsky was magic, not just because he was a Dreamer, but because he was good and he cared, and he filled Adam with so much love it felt like magic. If they were face to face, he'd wrap him in his arms, hold him just to anchor himself, but for now he just closed his eyes and let himself feel it, let the question echo in his bones.

Who would want to marry Adam Parrish? Joseph Kavinsky.

And Adam didn't question it, didn't wonder if it was real or if he meant it. He just.. tried to say it back. I'll say yes, the words that thrummed through it. That feeling that Adam wanted it too. He knew people would roll their eyes at the idea of them getting married, high schoolers who didn't know any better or something like that. But Kavinsky was all that he needed, all he wanted. He'd never believed in soulmates or love at first sight, or any of that romantic nonsense. He'd hardly believed that love was something that he got to have. But Kavinsky changed all of that: made his heart skip at the end of movies, when the boy kissed the girl -- just because he understood now what that feeling was supposed to be.]

Talking is good, but right now I just wanna see you.

[He doesn't cull his accent as much with Kavinsky, doesn't feel like the other boy will see him as something less-than because of it. And he might find a way to be okay with plane tickets, eventually, but for now it was just- small steps. He just wanted to feel like he stood on his own feet, like he gave back as much as Kavinsky gave him -- he was trying, anyway.]

Gimme ten minutes. And then I want you to hold me.

Edited 2022-07-17 01:13 (UTC)

[Maybe you should. Who would want to marry him? Adam Parrish, apparently. Maybe he would get Adam a ring. Dream him up something nice after looking through rings online, to get some ideas. This wasn't how he'd expected this conversation to go but he wasn't upset about it, either. He'd almost forgotten they were talking about Ronan to start with. He wondered if Ronan would be happy for them or jealous if Kavinsky told him he thought Adam would marry him if he asked.

He took another breath, shaky as it was, and smiled.]

Same. I'll be waiting for you, arms open.

[Not literally, but he'd definitely hold Adam when he got there.]

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