Joseph ♔ Kavinsky (
burnyoudown) wrote2021-07-18 04:56 pm
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Entry tags:
Open RP Post

🔥 Hit me up on plurk or via PM if you have any questions/want to run an idea by me first/what-have-you.
🔥 General squick/trigger list.
🔥 m/m for anything shippy.
🔥 General headcanon for Kavinsky. If you've got different headcanon/ideas for a psl, hit me with 'em; I'm flexible.
🔥 Kavinsky's kink list.
🔥 This is open to everyone who wants to thread with me!
take 2!!
Kavinsky took a sip from his cup of alcohol, watching Ronan over the rim of it. Sometimes, things were easier when they just hit each other. Talking and using actual words was a lot harder. But he was going to give the other dreamer a chance here, if he really wanted to talk.]
Sure thing, princess. What's on your mind?
[He wasn't trying to be needlessly cruel but- Ronan was the one who'd pushed him away, after everything Kavinsky had tried to do to get and keep his attention. After all of the things Kavinsky had given him. It wasn't K who'd failed in this case, he didn't think. But it was also easy to point fingers and lay the blame on someone else's shoulders. It was easy to blame Ronan.]
squeeeeeee :D
He doesn't know what it is that he expects. Kavinsky to laugh at him, probably. Maybe he throws his drink in his face. He almost wishes it was like back when he could just suck him off to say what he was trying to say. But part of the point is that he can't, because Kavinsky isn't his anymore- never was, really. Or at least Ronan had done his best to make him feel that way.
Like a fucking moron.]
You and Adam--
[He growls, but it's frustration at himself, not Kavinsky.]
--no, fuck. That's not what I'm trying to say. It's just..
[He takes a deep breath, and he tries again, tries to say the right thing, instead of the words that venom and impulse that just always slide out of his mouth.]
I fucked up, okay? Last summer. The shit I said-- you didn't deserve it. I was just confused and I was an asshole and I took it out on you.
[And it hadn't even been true, but that's the harder part to say. It's not quite an apology, he doesn't say I'm sorry, not because he isn't, but because the things he wants to say are so much more than just that. And Ronan's never liked the way that people say it when they don't mean it, say it like it makes things better.
Maybe it's shitty and messy and he's a fuck up, but he prefers making his own way through it.]
:3
[He held his cup between his teeth for a moment, risking disaster, all so he could free both hands to make an obscene gesture. Taking his cup back in one hand when he was done, he smirked. He wouldn't be surprised if Ronan punched him for that, but. Ronan had been there. He'd lost those privileges for now, maybe forever. It was Adam who got Kavinsky's dick and his mouth and all the rest of him.]
No shit you fucked up. You had a perfectly good thing and you ruined it.
[He lifted his chin a little, defiantly, even if he was now thinking about all of the good times he'd had with Ronan, the hot, sweaty nights, and everything else.]
Are you- trying to apologize?
no subject
Ronan does not punch him, even if his hands curl. He's trying to be good here. He's trying to talk to him and actually use his words, even if it's difficult and he doesn't even know what to say. But it nothing else, he supposes that Kavinsky deserves his discomfort, too.
But he does hit his cup of alcohol, like some sort of compromise. He's mostly just aiming to knock it out of his hand, because he doesn't want to actually piss him off, doesn't want Kavinsky to decide that whatever he had to say didn't fucking matter. But it's something to sate his temper, a slight acknowledgement that Ronan's still an asshole, he just-- he's trying. Learning to be better, maybe.
Ronan doesn't even deny it when Kavinsky says that he had a good thing and that he wrecked it. Because he did, he knows that he did. But he sighs in aggravation, scrubbing a hand against his shaved head and looks at Kavinsky in a way that is more a strange sort of confusion than actually being upset with him.]
I was, yeah. [It sounds for a moment like he might have given up at the attempts, but he takes a breath and he tries again.]
I fucking-- you wanted to know what we were doing, and instead of admitting how terrifying that was, I just treated you like shit. And I lied to your face. And I somehow didn't expect it when you wouldn't hang out with me anymore.
[Ronan laughs a little, but it's clearly self-deprecating. His eyes almost look glassy, but he drags a hand against his face and lets his breath rattle through his ribs a few times, and pretends like he's fine.] I just.. I fucking miss you, okay? I'm not- I would never- I just wanted to see if maybe you were still into shit like losing miserably in street races. If maybe you could stand seeing my face once in a while.
[He'd somehow imagined a more nuanced conversation, something where he had space to try and explain, but he ends up skipping to the end instead. Because he's still chickenshit when it comes to Kavinsky, cares so much it's hard not to flinch when it comes to saying it outloud. Especially like this, when the scales are flipped. Because Ronan still wants him, has never stopped, but he knows he's already lost that fight.
And Ronan hated cheating on a moral basis, and also on the basis that it felt too much like Declan. And even if you ignored all of that, he could never do that to Parrish. But maybe they could be friends. Maybe Ronan could at least have a chance to treat him the way that he should've the first time around.]
no subject
Take it easy, man. He's in good hands.
[Kavinsky's, to be precise. Speaking of hands, he held his up, open and empty, maybe as some sort of peace offering. Okay. He could do this. He could have a conversation without antagonizing Ronan, even if that was the easier route here.
He nodded in agreement that Ronan had treated him like shit and lied to him. He almost felt bad for not hanging out with the other dreamer after the shit had hit the fan, but also could he really be blamed? He didn't handle rejection well. But this- Ronan was apologizing and saying he missed him and Kavinsky's stomach clenched. He missed Ronan too, he missed everything they'd had and could have had but-]
I dunno about losing to you in races anymore, but- I've missed your stupid face. And your stupid attitude.
[He took a breath, reached out, and clapped Ronan on the shoulder. Friendly. Like they were friends. Maybe they could be.]
You'd never what? I didn't think you were proposing to me or anything, man. We can be friends. Just talk to me.
no subject
[He could have said something cruel, but instead he says something honest. Because venom and rumors aside- he knew that Kavinsky would be good to Adam. He knew that Kavinsky had been good to him before he'd pushed him away. But he says it with an exhale of breath, like an acknowledgement, saying that he was trying- or willing to try. That if the other boy wouldn't specifically antagonize him, that Ronan would try to not punch him in his handsome, gorgeous face.
He makes a sound that's like a sharp cousin to laughter, shifting so that he can bump his shoulder into K's. Friendly. Like they were friends, or the could be. A match for K's own gesture.]
Shitty attitude, I think you mean. But yours sucks too, so it works.
[Now he's teasing him, almost playful, because the truth was that Kavinsky was better. Sure they'd fought and said cruel things to each other, but if he was honest, he'd always known that the other boy cared. Until he pushed too far, made him suffer beyond what he could take.]
I just- fuck. I was trying to say that I know things are different now. You're got Adam. And I want you to be good to him. So I'm not gonna-- I wont fuck shit up for you. Just because we were... you know.
[He shrugs his shoulders, scuffs one of his boots into the dirt as if you know can possibly communicate all the things that he feels for Joseph Kavinsky.]
I was a shitty boyfriend anyway. That summer- I mean, there was this other boy I liked -- not Gansey, before you say something stupid. And it wasn't like.. I don't think he knew. I didn't want to leave you for him or something. But you know, it made it worse when you wanted to put a name on what we were. It was one thing to be a fuckup when it was just... this weird thing where my sharp edges didn't cut you and you made me feel like something human. Something else when I was supposed to do it right and I was already failing.
[He takes a breath and it's rough, tenses his shoulder and rattles in his chest.]
But the shit I said about not caring, that I didn't want you like that, that I didn't want to date you- it was bullshit. I care, I want you. And I know that doesn't mean anything now. But... I dunno. If we're gonna be friends I can't just leave that where I lied to your face because I was scared. So it's just-- telling you the truth, I guess.
no subject
You're wrong, man. You weren't a shitty boyfriend. If I'd thought you were, I wouldn't have tried to stick with you. I wanted you because I cared. Asshole.
[The last bit was almost fond though, a certain softness where he didn't entirely mean it as an insult. It felt better to know that Ronan did want him, did care about him, even now.]
There might be a chance we could work something out. [He wasn't going to get his hopes up, but there was a chance.] Adam said I could kiss you if the opportunity presented itself. So long as I told him about it.
[He waved a hand a little.]
I'm not saying we should kiss- [Or was he?] -but it's on the table. If you want to.
[If it wouldn't be cruel for Ronan, to kiss a boy he might not be able to date.]
no subject
[And then he's quiet and he forgets to fucking breathe because... because what the fuck. Ronan hadn't even considered that this might be an option, a possibility. And he knows that he shouldn't get his hopes up, because it's just a chance. And Ronan-- he isn't sure what would make Adam offer that to someone he was dating. He couldn't help worrying that the idea of working something out was something Adam didn't really want.
And even Ronan can recognize that that's the sort of thing that he'd have to talk to the other boy to be certain of. But somehow, the idea of kissing him just this once, that seemed a little less.. charged, a little less like he was stepping into something that could only make things worse.]
You and Adam.. talked about me? About kissing me? And you're sure he's really okay with it?
[There's something to the question, hopeful and shy and uncertain all at once. But he reached up, letting his fingers brush against Kavinsky's dark hair and then curling against the line of his jaw. Not kissing him yet, but it was a touch that said that he would, that he wanted to. Because of course he did, he always wanted to kiss Kavinsky. Much like how he always wanted to kiss Adam, but he didn't know how to talk about that. He'd never told anyone, outside of silent prayer.
Maybe things would have been better if he had, if instead of being scared at the idea of having to be Kavinsky's boyfriend when there was this other boy he liked, he'd just talked to him about it. He had always been more understanding with Ronan than Ronan was with himself.]
I don't think you would, to be clear-- but just for the record, if you're bullshitting me, I'll punch you in the face. But.. do you still want to kiss me? 'Cause I've never stopped.
no subject
Yeah, we did. I asked him if he was sure, too. He said he was.
I wouldn't bullshit about this. I don't want to hurt him.
[He stepped in closer, invading Ronan's personal space until they were nearly nose to nose. He met Ronan's eyes and only looked away briefly to glance down at his mouth, his beautiful mouth, the curve of his lips.]
I definitely want to kiss you.
[It was a murmur, soft and heated, and normally it would be a promise of something more, but not this time. This time the only promise was the kiss itself, because not only did he care about Adam but he respected him, too. He wouldn't fuck around; finding out would hurt.]
no subject
[He says I don't want to hurt him maybe a bit more intently than someone might expect from Ronan, who spent a lot of his time doing his best to seem like he didn't give a fuck about anyone. Even his friends, even Kavinsky. But it was bullshit, of course, always had been. The words trail off into a brief quiet, like there's too much in that space for him to say it in words, and then he hides it in truth. He shivered a little at the way that Kavinsky invaded his personal space, and Ronan lets him, almost casual about it, when in truth his heart is racing, beating in his ribcage like a trapped animal. He can feel the way that he looks at his mouth, and he wants him like muscle memory. Like it hasn't been months.
Of course, he knows that isn't what this is. And he meant every word when he said that he wouldn't -- but it doesn't mean that he doesn't feel it, that heat doesn't simmer in his veins, that he doesn't want to push him up against a wall.
But even morals aside, Ronan doesn't want to fuck things up for them, when they look so good together. Happy. And Ronan knew how ephemeral that feeling was for boys like them. For Dreamers. He'd already hurt Kavinsky once by not being able to tell him that he cared. He wasn't going to do it again by saying it at the wrong time.
But what he was going to do, was kiss Joseph Kavinsky this once. He trusted him when he said it was okay, that he wouldn't hurt Adam. So he closes the distance between them, pressing their mouths together, his other hand going to Kavinsky's side, fisting in the fabric of his shirt and using it to pull him close. His other hand against his jaw is softer, but the way he kisses him is almost desperate -- affection and softness, but also needy, like he might devour him.
Ronan kisses him like he thinks that it might be the only chance he ever gets.
So he tries to kiss all the words he didn't say into his mouth, all the sweetness he was too scared to give him. He kisses him almost like he's trying to memorize this: the way their lips brush, how he tastes, the weight of his body against him- always lighter than he should be. He kisses him like he wants to shape it into a reflex, something that he can keep. At least in a dream.
His hand against his jaw shift so he can brush his fingertips against his cheek, just stroking soft skin and the line of his face, and it hits something in him. It's either.. too good or too much, he doesn't quite know, but he pulls back, breathless, trying to smear away the tears with the back of his fist. He coughs, trying to catch his breath, and he laughs with a shake of his head. He thinks he's ruined, all over again. But maybe he's fooling himself that he ever wasn't.]
Fuck, K-- Can we.. talk to me? Like I'm dumb.
no subject
When Ronan pulled back, Kavinsky tried to chase his mouth for a moment before realizing how emotional he was. Fuck but it made K want to kiss him again, kiss away his tears, kiss him until he smiled. He refrained though, no matter how much he wanted to.
Sucking in a breath, he nodded.]
Yeah, okay. That part's easy.
[He was teasing but it was fond and not meant to be cruel.]
Adam said I could kiss you. He said we could talk about it if I- if you wanted me back.
[He watched Ronan for a moment after he said that. Kavinsky was sharp and not just in dangerous ways. He'd picked up on how intent Ronan had been a few moments ago. He was especially serious about not hurting Adam. And there was more to it than that. Adam had told K he'd driven Ronan's car for his driver's exam.
Gently, he added.]
So, how do you feel about Adam?
no subject
Because it sounds like a chance, something real. He can't imagine why Adam would make that sort of offer when they were so good together. But agreeing to talk was something he could believe, and it was something that didn't feel like taking advantage of something he didn't even quite grasp. But agreeing to talk about it was hope without promising one way or another.
He flushes at the way that Kavinsky asks him how he feels about Adam. It's gentle, like he knows, or suspects at least. That he knows it isn't an easy question for him to answer. If he hadn't approached it quite so tenderly, Ronan might have brushed it off, but this is- he doesn't know how. He kicks at the ground, scuffing the toe of one of his boots, worrying his bottom lip as he looks at the other boy carefully.]
The other boy. The one I said I liked? It was Parrish. I mean, he's gorgeous. I wanted him but I never would've had the courage to say something. And then one day Gansey's pulling Adam's bike out of the fucking Camaro. And I wanted to try- but you know how I am with that shit. So I just.. I dunno. I just did what I could to make it so that his life didn't suck, or so it wasn't more than he could take, anyway. Like I said, I don't think he ever figured it out. And I didn't ever want to leave you, I never wanted to not have you in my life. But I.. I wanted to kiss him, too. I just didn't know what--
[He shrugged his shoulders a little bit helplessly, looking at Kavinsky like he was still almost guilty about it. But tentatively, almost shyly he reaches up, letting his fingertips cup the line of his jaw. He doesn't kiss him, he just looks into his dark eyes, feelings he's never been good at saying.]
I do want you back. But I saw you in the hall together once. You're happy together. I don't want to take away from that.
[He wanted to- he didn't know. Add to it, maybe, if that wasn't impossibly selfish. He wanted to care for them both, give them all the damaged feelings he knew how. It just wasn't until this moment when he thought that was something he could even be allowed to offer.]
no subject
You're- [Kavinsky started and then he huffed out a laugh. Sweet, was what he was going to say, but it felt especially soft in this moment.]
We could talk to him, see what he says. He doesn't want to lose me but I don't think he has to. The three of us could spend time together, yeah? You guys wouldn't have to fight for my attention or time. This isn't the Hunger Games.
[He knew Adam was insecure about this prospect but he thought it might help that Ronan wanted him, too. It might make it less of a competition thing and more of a trio thing. Maybe. He felt selfish for wanting both of them but when was he not greedy?]
no subject
[He didn't really have any expectations here, just the idea of it was so much more than he'd come here asking for. He'd just wanted to see Kavinsky again, to race him and not feel like he'd lost everything, like he'd always be bleeding from this wound he couldn't talk about. He wanted to hug him, he wanted to cling to him and remember what it felt like to breathe- but he didn't want to overstep the lines when he didn't even really know what they were.
He figured he could wait until after they talked, and if he managed to not fuck things up- maybe he could hug him afterwards. Maybe he was letting himself get his hopes up, but- he'd take whatever he could get, really. Just to have them in their life.]
Is Adam coming to the party?
[He hadn't seen his shitbox when he'd headed in himself.]
no subject
Right? That's what I tried to tell him, before.
[But things were different now, knowing Ronan wanted them both.
Kavinsky pulled his phone out, scrolling through his contacts.]
Yeah. He had to work late, but he'll be here. Gimme a minute.
[He ducked away, finding someplace a little quieter to stand before he actually called Adam. He hoped he wouldn't be interrupting anything. Like work.]
no subject
Hey. You get impatient?
[It's teasing, his voice easy affection.]
But you're lucky, I just got off work so I should be there in about ten or so.
no subject
Hey, babe. Yeah, something like that.
But, I wanted to talk to you about something. [He took a breath, combed his fingers through his hair.] Ronan's here. I kissed him. He wants both of us. Actually, he's wanted you for a long time.
[Alright, so he wasn't the most eloquent about how he worded things, but he was trying to lighten whatever possible emotional blow this news might bring. He didn't want Adam to doubt his worth or something.]
I told him I'd talk to you about things. I love you.
no subject
Sorry, I dropped my keys. That's-- did you say Ronan wants me? I think I need you to say all of that again. Uh- slower this time?
I love you too. It's just.. a lot.
[He felt like his head was spinning. But in a good way, maybe.]
no subject
I sure did.
[Kavinsky took a breath.]
Alright, so. He told me there was a guy he liked but I had to, uh, persuade him to tell me who. And it turns out that guy is you. He was just too chickenshit--sorry, worried about fucking everything up to make a move before. But he cares about you.
[With Kavinsky 'persuade' could mean a lot of things but in this case, it just meant, surprisingly, 'ask nicely'.]
no subject
Fuck.
[The past eighteen months of their relationship slowly rearranged itself as he scrubbed a hand over his face. He gets the car door open and slides into the seat just so that he can sit and breathe for a moment.]
I can't decide if I'm oblivious or if Ronan's an idiot.
[He bites his lip.]
Is this okay?
no subject
[It was his immediate reply, without hesitation. He couldn't blame Adam for being a little oblivious when Ronan's methods of flirting were what they were.]
Is what okay? That he's into you? I'm not jealous or anything.
[He didn't think Adam was just going to suddenly leave him for Ronan.]
no subject
I just couldn't imagine having a chance. But he- I mean, when Aglionby raised tuition prices this year he bribed the church ladies to lower my rent. Some sort of "tax adjustment" that left me with a rent credit in the exact amount of the tuition increase. And he was always doing shit like that, but-
Then the rest of the time he was Ronan Lynch.
[He figures that Kavinsky knows what he means.]
Yeah, I just- it's different, isn't it? You don't mind if we share him?
[He's teasing a little, but it's also.. willingness. Interest. He'd told Kavinsky he'd wanted to kiss Ronan since his first day at Aglionby.]
no subject
[Ronan's heart was in the right place--most of the time--Kavinsky thought. And K would do things like that for Adam, too, if he knew he wouldn't have to fight the other boy about it. But Adam was stubborn and determined and- it was part of why Kavinsky loved him.]
I wouldn't mind.
[Was he already thinking things like watching the other two kiss or-? Absolutely. Did he also think this was something that could make Adam even happier? Definitely. He liked it when Adam was happy; he deserved more reasons to smile.]
Imagine all the potential. [The potential threesomes he meant, but he didn't want to come right out and say it and risk spooking Adam. Because, honestly, he'd take things at whatever pace the other two were comfortable with. Adam meant a lot to him and Ronan was special. And, more importantly, Adam hadn't said no yet.]
He'd be good to you. And me.
no subject
[He says it with warmth, at least. He doesn't mean it in a cruel sort of way- Ronan could be as smart as anyone when he applied himself. And he was sweet when he cared, when he tried.
Adam is quiet while he tries to puzzle through how he feels about this, what to do with this shift. He laughs a little when Kavinsky mentions the potential. And not too long ago, it probably would have spooked him. But now he just hums thoughtfully, with something like heat in his breath.]
You think that would work, having us all in bed together?
[He wasn't saying no. After a moment he shakes his head, because he thinks that Kavinsky's right.]
We can talk about it when I get there? Because- it feels like it might work. Like this way it's gaining something instead of losing things. But we still have to figure out.. what this would mean, and where the lines are. And I'm greedy, K.
[He says it sometimes, like a joke, but with Kavinsky he can stand to say it like this- where he means it. Where he can feel like his boyfriend wont judge him for it.]
no subject
[There wasn't a rush and he didn't want to make Adam feel pressured. Hell, Kavinsky would even take just chastely sleeping in the same bed with Adam and Ronan. He had a king size; it was plenty big enough for three teenage boys. Anybody's bed would do though, really.]
Yeah, okay. We've got all the time we need to figure this thing out. And I'm greedy, too. Always have been. I think it's- it's 'cause we never had a lot when we needed it. But I want you to be happy and not feel like you've gotta lose anything.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)