burnyoudown | Open RP Post

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Open RP Post

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🔥 General squick/trigger list.
🔥 m/m for anything shippy.
🔥 General headcanon for Kavinsky. If you've got different headcanon/ideas for a psl, hit me with 'em; I'm flexible.
🔥 Kavinsky's kink list.
🔥 This is open to everyone who wants to thread with me!

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I almost kissed you. At that party last week, when I left early. It was because--

[He shrugs his shoulders, flushing just a little, and he holds the roses out to Kavinsky. Because he means the sentiment, what they represent. He still isn't sure if Kavinsky is interested in sharing, but Adam was probably right about letting K be the one to make that decision. It was just-- this felt like vulnerability, which Ronan still wasn't good with. But he was trying. Stripping down his walls to admit that he wanted him, and not being certain if the other boy still wanted him, still thought he was worth the effort.]

Keeping you at arms' length was the only way I could be friends. I wasn't doing it on purpose, but I was still doing it- pushing you away because it was safer, easier.

[He sighs softly, actually looks a little bit guilty when he admits that.]

So I wanted to talk. See if there was a way to make this work. See if you wanted to try. Because I've been lying about what you meant to me and you deserve better than that.

[He took the roses, unmindful of any thorns until one nearly pricked him. He gave them a sniff, entranced for a moment with both their beauty and what Ronan was saying. Speaking of- he wasn't entirely confident he knew what Ronan was saying. He had a hope, an assumption, but he'd been wrong before when he assumed things.]

Okay. You're going to have to be a little clearer on what we're talking about so I don't get my hopes up for nothing.

[Things had been kind of fucky in the past and maybe he'd blamed Ronan before for holding him at arm's length when all Kavinsky had wanted was to orbit around him but they were still young. There was still time. It was better late than never.

He held up a hand, the one not occupied with roses.]

I got the part where this is like a date and where you like me, but- is this gonna be a fling or something long-term?

I don't know how to say this, so just- listen for a second.

[Not that he thought that Kavinsky wouldn't listen, but-- he just wanted to make sure that he let him get to the end, say all of it before jumping to conclusions. And he knew that was probably a worrying sentiment, but he wanted to make sure he understood all of it rather than just answering the question. Because it'd be a lie if he didn't tell him about Adam.]

After the party I talked to Adam. He uh, didn't break up with me? I guess he'd realized I was still in love with you since I started dating him, and I'm just-- an idiot. He said it was okay. I didn't think sharing was your style, but Adam thought that I should let that be your choice.

So... I dunno. If I was going to ask you, then I wanted to do it for real. I wanted to show you that I wanted you, get you flowers and dress up a little. I wanted.. you to believe that I thought you were worth dating, cause I know I was a dick about it. Back then it never occurred to me that I could choose you both.

[He sighs, looks a little bit sheepish, but his eyes are still warm and he's shockingly earnest as he looks at the other dreamer. He might not have said I love you word for word, but he'd said it, let Kavinsky hear it. Part of the reason he'd wanted K to shut up and listen was because he had absolutely rehearsed that first part a few times. He'd been afraid he'd clam up, that he wouldn't say it, that he'd settle for liked you or something. Deny the fact that his heart skipped just from being in the same room.

He shifts, moves in a little bit closer, standing too close like he's allowed to let his attraction be something real, more than a secret buried in a field of dreams.]

So what this is, it's up to you. But you don't have to decide now; I mean, we've got all night.

[Kavinsky listened. Especially when Ronan said he was still in love with him. It made his heart lurch. It just- it took him a moment to catch up with the fact Ronan was dating Adam and...wanted to date Kavinsky, too? He wouldn't have figured Ronan for the type to do that. But then again, how much had he really known about Ronan beyond what he presented himself as, what he shared with other people? He hadn't even known Ronan was in love with him. Which, you know, he was still thinking about, as if there was anything else he could be thinking about right now.

Ronan was lucky. Lucky to have a boyfriend like Adam, who apparently didn't mind sharing him with someone else. Lucky because- Kavinsky could play well with others, too. And he was hopelessly attracted to Ronan, even now. He just couldn't help it. How could he not be attracted to Ronan?

The other dreamer stepped closer and Kavinsky had to resist the urge to kiss him. He thought he might be allowed, but-]

Okay. So, if I yes, of course, I want to fuckin' date you, does that mean I can kiss you now?

[Now as in right now, because Kavinsky was rarely good at restraint.]

[Ronan exhales and it's almost a laugh, helplessly giddy with the fact that Kavinsky says yes, of course. Ronan's nodding, reaching out tentatively to curl his fingertips at the back of his neck, not drawing him in but just touching because he's allowed to and it feels like a better high than almost anything. That thrill, that promise, promise racing in his veins almost like when he'd first kissed Adam.

He'd been-- fuck, he didn't know. It hadn't felt like a sure thing, Ronan hadn't been sure that Kavinsky wouldn't snarl the sort of words that he deserved.]

Yeah, it does- fuck K, I want you to kiss me.

[His heartbeat is racing in his chest, because- god, he could scarcely believe that he got to be this greedy. He's always been greedy, once you got down to it, but he hated showing it. And his experience with what being involved with multiple people looked like had been Declan and there was no part of how he treated people that Ronan had been willing to emulate.

But he'd talked with Adam- a lot- and figured out that he didn't have to. Slowly he'd figured out that they could do it different. That Ronan could shape this in a way to make sense for him. And this made sense to him. The idea of kissing Kavinsky because he wanted to, and because Adam knew that he wanted to, and because impossibly both boys were willing to let him have what he needed. Because he'd tried to fold the fact that he'd been in love with him into a secret he could hide from himself, tried to keep Kavinsky far enough away that he didn't have to face it--

And it hadn't really been good to either of them. So he he's willing to give him this, his desire and everything he's buried. Because he just wants him. He wants to be honest with the other boy for maybe the first time in all the time that they've spent together. He lets his other hand slide down and catch K's belt loop, tugging the other dreamer in towards him. His intention is to navigate them back into the house, but not just yet. Because he wants this now too.]

[Ronan wasn't casual about Kavinsky either, if he was honest. He did his best to pretend, admittedly, but he was in over his head every time they met- every party, every race, Kavinsky got under his skin until he couldn't help dreaming about him, aching about him. Ronan distinctly wasn't capable of casual sex, so the fact that he's letting this happen says a lot. No one's ever put hands on him like this, touched him like this. But it's terrifying, too. Because Ronan is sure that he doesn't get to keep him, even if he wants to.

It was less that Ronan didn't want to give him a chance and more that Ronan didn't think he'd hold his attention once he peeled back the layers and saw how soft he was under all the sharp edges.

But that's a worry to think about later, because-- because right now he can't think about anything. All he can do is moan, helpless as his hips stutter, twitching against K's hand as the other boy jerked him off. That sinful mouth wrapped around the head of his erection, and the sound he makes is choked on his lips. He's glad there's a locked door behind him, otherwise he's pretty sure he'd be on the floor with Kavinsky. As much as he'd tried to seem unaffected, he didn't think he was going to last long like this.

His fingers petting through the strands of his hair, not pulling, but touching, curling at the back of his neck and then catching on his dark hair again. He's never done this before, and Kavinsky is taking him apart like it's easy. Ronan doesn't want him to stop for anything. This feels.. he couldn't put it into words. Like something he's needed without knowing how to ask for it, even if he could. He can't stop watching, a memory he wants to keep forever, no matter how trashy the place around them might be. All he cared about was how he touched him.]

K--

[Ronan gasps his name like a prayer.]

[Kavinsky was greedy, too. He always had been; there was so much he'd never been able to have. No one would suspect it, probably. Most people thought he was the kind of guy who had whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, but he lacked things where it really mattered. He lacked love, specifically feeling loved. So the idea that Ronan was in love with him and wanted him and that Kavinsky got to have this- it almost felt too good to be true, like he was going to wake up and this was all a dream.

He rested his unoccupied hand on Ronan's shoulder and leaned in to kiss him. It was soft, not shy or hesitant just- sweeter than someone would probably think he was capable of. It was their first kiss and while he knew the spiel about how first kisses should be special he also knew it wasn't like either of them hadn't kissed someone else before this. But still- the hungry, devouring kisses could come later. It seemed like there was going to be plenty of time.

He hoped Ronan hadn't expected him to say no to this or be unsure. Though Kavinsky was very capable of being jealous (it was the primary reason he'd taunted Ronan about Gansey so much, before), he knew enough about Adam that being jealous of him would feel sort of wrong.]

You know...reality might be better than dreams.

[At least, where Ronan was concerned and being able to kiss him.]

[Ronan actually hadn't been sure if Kavinsky would say yes. It was easy to see him as the boy that had everything -- but there was the implication of something else, too. That when he'd said no that he'd stolen something. It was enough for him to hope that Kavinsky needed this too. Because Ronan did, even if he had needed Adam to tell him that he was allowed to feel this way, had needed to have someone he could talk through the mess of his feelings and keep him from flinching. Was it any wonder that he hadn't been able to manage it on his own that summer?

But Kavinsky puts his hand on his shoulder, and he kisses him and Ronan-- he thinks that this is okay, that this good too. They've lost time because he couldn't imagine loving two boys at once, but they still got here, in the end. And Kavinsky kisses him like it's something sweet, softer than he would have expected. Ronan's mouth is sweet too; yearning, needy, and he holds onto the other boy, lingering in the kiss, like there was no rush, like they had all night.

It's not desperate and devouring, but it's still hungry for him. It's still the sort of kiss that aches for him, it's just- not overtly sexual. Because while he meant it when he said that if Kavinsky wanted just one night together, he'd give him that... What he wanted was this. Touching, kissing, the feelings that Ronan is trying to say with his mouth without the words. Because the words are hard for him, they fail him so often when he needs them. Kissing is-- it's always been better, easier.

But it had felt like it would have been cheap, would have been cheating if he had tried to kiss him without saying it first. I'm in love with you. So he tries to say it with how he kisses him, pulls Kavinsky in close so that he can curl his arms around him, hugging him just because-- because he needs it. And he thinks that maybe the two of them wouldn't have spent so many months still hurting in such different, complicated ways, if Ronan had just hugged him back on that summer's day.

He doesn't really know how to say sorry, so he just- he tries to say this instead. That it means something. That they have a future together, if Kavinsky is willing to try.]

[Kavinsky usually acted tough, sarcastic, inappropriate--the list went on. Really, deep down, he was sort of soft. Or maybe more than 'sort of'. Ronan wrapped his arms around him and K practically melted against him. It was everything he'd ever wanted, to be wrapped up in Ronan's arms and kiss him. Alright, so he wanted more than that, too, but this was just as important as everything else. Maybe more important. It was their first kiss and he didn't want it to end.

Mindful of the flower in his hand, he slid his arms around Ronan, other hand cupping the back of his neck. It was just- this moment was so important to him. It meant so much. Up until this moment, he would have given anything to experience this. Now he had it and- he pulled away for just a moment, sucking in a breath, and kissed Ronan again.

He hadn't even thought about it before saying yes. Of course, he was going to say yes. He didn't mind that Ronan was dating Adam, too. Kavinsky could share; he could play nice. Adam seemed like a decent enough guy, too, especially if he was alright with this. Ronan Lynch was in love with K and that- it meant the world to him. He didn't usually think of himself as a romantic but at the same time, he wanted almost nothing as much as he wanted to be loved. Especially by Ronan; he was Kavinsky's dream boy.

He'd always been a little envious of his boys, his pack. Proko had Swan and Skov had Jiang and Kavinsky'd had...no one. But that had changed now. Kavinsky had meant what he said; he thought that reality could be better than dreams if it involved Ronan wanting him.]

[It felt like it was easy to take Ronan apart with his hands and mouth but that just- it didn't make the moment any less. It was a combination of things, probably; Ronan was putty in his hands but Kavinsky was also trying his damnedest to take him apart at the seams. It wasn't even that Kavinsky didn't usually put in the effort for this kind of thing, it was that he was trying extra hard because it was Ronan. Everything about the other boy was special and he would've been just as special even if Kavinsky didn't know he was also a dreamer.

He was Kavinsky's type, through and through, from the street racing to the barbs they flung at each other to the fact Ronan came to his parties. He was also painfully handsome and equally tragic. Kavinsky didn't want to 'fix' him or 'save' him from himself or any of those stupid cliche things, but he did want to be the flame in the dark, the thing that lit Ronan's life and sparked his desire. He wanted to spend long days with him and longer nights, drinking, getting high, racing- or just lying in bed together, touching. It didn't even have to be sexual.

Removing his hand from around Ronan's cock, Kavinsky leaned forward to take the rest of him into his mouth, confident about it, throat relaxed. His gag reflex was next to non-existent; there wasn't much he wasn't comfortable with. He rested both hands on Ronan's hips now, not holding him in place, just holding on.

The way Ronan said his name was- it made Kavinsky's skin flush with equal parts pride and desire. He wanted to hear and see and feel Ronan come apart, he wanted to know that he could take the other dreamer apart in the best ways.]

[Ronan has always been fire, a burning heart in his chest, but he felt like he was molten, melting from the inside out. That every way that Kavinsky touched him, tongue and fingers against his cock, burned away another piece of the lies that he'd used to keep them apart. It had been safer that way, but it had also been a lie. Pleasure burned through him and he didn't think that he'd ever be the same; not now that he knew what it was like to have another boy's hands on his body.

Kavinsky's hands.

It was impossible to pretend that the way that he burned wasn't because of who the boy was. It wasn't like he'd let himself be pressed up against the door of a public bathroom with anyone else. But he couldn't help wanting him, being drawn to him, even if he was sure that he'd break his heart. He knew the quiet moments where they laced their fingers together was just a dream, and not one he knew how to pull into reality.

So he lets him take him apart, tongue and mouth and fingers- slick wet heat and the pressure, slow friction. It made him forget all the reasons he hurt, a moment that just felt good. It was filthy and perfect and God, God he wanted it. He knew he wasn't going to last long, and all he could do was touch him, cupping fingers against his neck and threading through his hair. Ronan's face flushed and his fingers trembling, but he touched Kavinsky in a way that was more like affection than just desire.

And then the other boy shifted, letting his hand fall away from Ronan's cock and sliding the rest of the way down, taking him down to the base, and Ronan's eyes went unfocused. Slick and wet and hot, and Ronan was ruined. Pleasure pushing him over the edge all at once. He curses softly, words that are almost more like adoration as they slip from his mouth just before his orgasm hits him. He doesn't think to give Kavinsky a warning, can't think that clearly -- but it's not too hard to have picked up on.]

..oh, fuck.

[He puts one hand to his mouth to try and muffle the sound that he makes, but it doesn't help much. At least not with how close the other boy is, impossible to pretend he isn't affected, ruined in a way that he had no defense against. The way that his voice twists into a moan, torn from his mouth almost like a sob, betraying him. Totally unprepared, although the pleasure of it all keeps him from being embarrassed about just how fast Kavinsky had him spilling down his throat.

It was- it wasn't like the boy with a mouth like sin had fucked him or something. But this was still- a few minutes ago he hadn't known what pleasure at someone else's hands- someone he liked- felt like. Now he did. It felt like a fire in his chest, an ache he couldn't explain. He wanted more, he wanted him, and he couldn't deny it.

He looked off to the side as he pulled back from K's mouth, catching his breath with a gasp. Ronan biting his lip a little awkwardly as the embarrassment finally caught up with him, his cock damp against his boxers, and he feels like a mess. He knew he should say something, but everything felt charged. Instead he softly, almost tenderly brushed his fingers against Kavinsky's cheek. He managed to arrange his face into something a little bit less transparent, almost like a smirk as he looked into his eyes. He wanted to kiss him, but instead he just dragged his fingers against his wet lips, still undone even if he's trying to pull himself together.]

Fuck, K. I- let's say that I owe you later.

[It's a little shy, even if Ronan tries to hide it. But he also means it; heart racing in his chest. I want to suck you off. Not that he'd know what he was doing, but he wants Kavinsky to give him the chance to figure it out. It's maybe the first time that Ronan's actually voiced something that actually said this thing between them was mutual, that he wanted-- That whatever weird thing this was between them, that they were chasing it together. Even if Ronan was a mess about it.

It might not have been a particularly romantic way to say it, but he was saying it.]

[Adam hadn't intended to end up connected with Kavinsky's boys, of course.

But he'd ended up assigned to tutor Skov, and then he'd ended up making out with Skov and Swan, and then he'd realized that he actually liked spending time with them. One thing led to another and then it was really only Kavinsky that Adam wasn't at least friends with. Not that they seemed to dislike each other, they just weren't close. Kavinsky had more defenses than the others, and Adam understood that too much to push.

He never would have considered himself the type to be involved with more than one person, but the other boys were okay with it. And Adam was greedy for contact, for affection, to feel like he was wanted. Knowing that they did... it felt like baby steps towards healing the hole in his heart. Not that he knew how to say that outloud.

It wasn't the first time he'd spent the night at Kavinsky's place instead of his room above St. Agnes. It was the summer so there was no school, and he didn't have work until the afternoon. It had been easy enough to justify as they watched questionable movies on Kavinsky's movie theater screen in the basement. But now it was the middle of the night, and something felt- off, somehow.

He thought it was Cabeswater, but when he pulled the cards he didn't get any answers.

Which was how he ended up scrying. Doing it alone was risky, but whatever this was felt close- it wasn't like he'd be going very far. He didn't know what he'd been expecting. But whatever it was, it wasn't this. It feels like a dream, like a nightmare, like anger, and Adam does what he can to settle things. He'd always been good at making things quieter. He's almost thinking that he's going to be asking Ronan what the fuck had happened, except--]

Kavinsky?

[His voice is soft, comforting- because something about the air still feels like it's hardly a breath away from going wrong. Adam didn't know he was a dreamer, of course. Not that he'd blame anyone for keeping it from him; of all people Adam understood the value of secrets. And it wasn't like he'd told anyone that Ronan was a dreamer. If he'd told someone about his own abilities, he probably wouldn't be alone staring into the water of the bathroom sink. Adam and Kavinsky just hadn't been quite close enough yet for those sort of truths.]

[It was a nightmare, and it simmered with anger and fear and heartwrenching helplessness. Kavinsky hadn't been expecting company- he'd never had company of this sort before so why would he? He was on his back on the floor of a house that wasn't his Henrietta mansion. His cheek had split. His father stood over him, menacing and aggressive.

The moment Adam tried to settle things, Mr Kavinsky disappeared in a curl of smoke and ash that scattered across the floor. It was the only way to make the nightmare a neutral space. Except Kavinsky didn't get up, not right away. He took a moment to process the sound of Adam's voice before pushing himself up. His hands were shaking, so he curled them into fists.]

What the fuck are you doing here?

[His hackles were raised but only defensively. He didn't know if his dream was taking a new turn or if Adam was really there. He felt real but so did a lot of things when you could do what Kavinsky did. He was a king, even battered and shaken, dark eyes filled with the last remnants of fear.

He couldn't say he hadn't dreamed of Adam before but it hadn't been in the sense of a nightmare. Was his mind turning against him in new ways or-]

Are you real?

[He raised a hand to touch his thumb to his cheek where the wound was already closing, leaving just a smudge of blood. He was a king.]

[Adam has been friends with Ronan Lynch for too long for the way that he lashes out a little to really even be notable. Kavinsky was a sharp boy just like Ronan was, just like Skov and Swan and Jiang and Proko, each in their own ways. Adam was too, of course. It was probably why he fit in here, with them, why he was closer with Ronan than Gansey these days.

He shrugs his shoulders, and he wars with himself between helping Kavinsky to his feet and pretending like he doesn't need it. He compromises, holding a hand out- something he can take if he wants, or ignore it if it's too much. But Adam had never really had someone to offer him kindness. Gansey offered him pity, always tried to save him when Adam had wanted to save himself, when really what he'd wanted was just someone to be there, that they cared for him anyway, that he'd be okay.

He might not have caught the specifics, but he'd caught the anger and the fear and the helplessness. And that was enough.]

Yeah, I'm real. I could feel- something felt wrong. Are you okay?

[He rather expects to get laughed at for the attempt, but he asks anyway. Because even if Kavinsky can't bring himself to acknowledge it outloud, he wants him to know that Adam cares about the answer. He wont blame him if it's too much like vulnerability. He'd known that K's mother was a bitch, which was something that Adam empathized with, but regarding his father he really just knew the rumors.

His answer about whether he's real is maybe an over-simplification, but he figures it's the part that K is really asking for -- they can talk about the details later.]

[He actually took Adam's hand, accepting the help, but didn't comment on it. It meant something to him that Adam seemed like he cared. There were very few people in his life who cared about him; he could probably count them on one hand. But Adam had fallen in with his boys and that meant something too. All Kavinsky'd ever wanted to do for his boys was offer them a safe place to be themselves, to grow and flourish.

He swallowed around the lump in his throat when Adam asked if he was okay. Did he look like he was okay? He didn't laugh, just- shrugged a little.]

I'm better now.

[It was an attempt at sounding casual but he wasn't sure if he entirely succeeded. He wasn't sure what question to ask first, either. How was Adam here? How had he felt something wrong? Was he a dreamer, too?

Kavinsky took a breath, gaze cutting away from Adam. He shouldn't have seen this, shouldn't have witnessed the nightmare, no matter how brief it'd been. There was a reason why Kavinsky tried so hard to put on a brave face and a tough facade. He didn't want people to know about his fears and weaknesses.]

So, what, I set off some kind of damsel in distress beacon or something?

[Adam helps him to his feet, but he doesn't focus on it, doesn't talk about it. It was enough that the other boy was willing to allow it; he wasn't going to press, to make him acknowledge that he'd needed it. He was just trying to help, as much as Kavinsky would allow him to.

He nods when he says that he's better, and that's- he knows it can be hard to admit that you weren't, so he doesn't take it for granted. If anything, K's walls seemed even harder than his own. But maybe it was a little different, being together here, being in his dreams.]

I'm glad.

[He knew he'd seen something that he shouldn't have, and he does what he'd have wanted- he grants Kavinsky the luxury of pretending that maybe he hadn't. He tries to keep from forcing him to acknowledge his trauma, even if he'd be willing to hold it. Adam just gives him his care, his empathy-- He might have slowly realized that the boy was human, that he had fears; he has the sort of nightmares that Adam understands so deeply it makes his heart ache. But that doesn't make him pitiable.]

You are pretty enough. But no, I didn't know it was you- no damsel alarm. It's just because I'm so close here. I'm simplifying things, but I'm connected to the ley line and you touch it when you dream. If I was in St. Agnes I'd be too far to hear you clearly, but like this I could tell that something was wrong. And I couldn't just let that happen.

[He teases him a little, even if it comes out almost like flirtation and Adam is the one that flushes. It was supposed to be an attempt to give him some sort of normalcy as he tries to explain all of this in a way that's simple enough for the moment. Make it feel a bit less like Adam had just stepped into his nightmares uninvited, and more like the night that had proceeded it.

Admittedly, he doesn't talk about Ronan, doesn't say the word Dreamer. But Adam has always been more circumspect about these things than either Ronan or Gansey. More scared of the consequences, of who else might be interested in these things. Even before it had been revealed that there were people that employed hitmen. But he was still willing to trust Kavinsky with his own secrets, at least.]

I'm not like you. But I can make it quieter for you.

[Adam wasn't a King.

He couldn't tell the dream what form to take and bring it back in his hands. But he could affect the tone, the way the energy flowed- he thought he could keep Kavinsky's nightmares away, at least. He's been practicing with Persephone, but it's not like Ronan was a willing volunteer. They'd stumbled into each other once, strangely. A quiet moment as Adam and Persephone had gone around fixing the breaks in the ley line. The places that hadn't been cared for in so long.

And standing on one of the points on the ley line, he could see into Ronan's dream, and Ronan had seen him where he stood- like bending the line between reality and dreams. Scrying when he was inside his own skin. Strange, but not something Ronan had been interested in trying to replicate. So he hasn't really done a lot of this specifically with dreams before. But Adam's always been a sharp student.]

Edited 2022-07-01 07:16 (UTC)

[Kavinsky nodded like that made perfect sense. In reality, it mostly did. He didn't know how whatever Adam could do worked and he wasn't eager for all the gritty details right now, so simplifying it was good enough. He just made mental notes to ask about things like what it was Adam was doing and what the ley line was at a later date.]

Would you have still stepped in if you'd known it was me?

[That felt more important than what Adam was doing or even his potential flirting and the way that he flushed. Under better circumstances, Kavinsky would have latched onto that, teased him about it, flirted back. Maybe he was still flirting, in his own way, though it was more serious. He wasn't smiling. He didn't even smirk. His eyes were intense and he was probably standing too close to Adam but Kavinsky had never been big about personal space.]

What does it cost you to make it quieter?

[Everything cost something, didn't it? Even the dreaming. Especially the dreaming. There was always a price. If Adam had found him in a different dream, this would probably be going completely differently. But Kavinsky was raw edges and unprepared. The cat was out of the bag and couldn't be put back in but Adam Parrish knowing he was a dreamer felt like a small thing to worry about right now.]

[Adam stepped in closer at the question, touched fingers hesitantly against the other boy's chest, like he could answer it without words. But even in a dream he knew that saying things mattered, and he wasn't as incapable as Ronan, even if he'd never have Gansey's honeyed charm.]

Of course. I know we're not close, but you're still.. You matter to me.

[And it's true, as he looks up at Kavinsky, meets his dark eyes for a moment. And not just because of this, because of seeing his hurts and raw edges. But he cared about his boys, he took in people with nowhere else to go and gave them a home, let them find that in each other. So even if Adam was not personally close to Kavinsky, he still cared about him, he still valued what he did and who he was to Swan and Skov and Jiang and Proko.

He hasn't said it, but he understood why Ronan was drawn to him.

At the question he smiles a little bit thinly, sharp and not-quite dangerous; but it's not something really aimed at Kavinsky.]

A sacrifice. My hands and eyes. At the beginning it was so much and I couldn't understand it, but it's better now. Since I'm close to you, it's almost easy. I bring seeds for the forest. I find places the ley line can't flow and find ways to bend it. I do the things it can't do for itself.

[Adam doesn't regret his choice. Of course, he was hard-headed and stubborn and would never have admitted it to Ronan or Gansey even if he had, but it's true. It's less terrifying now, less overwhelming. They can speak to each other and Adam can feel it on his skin. Kavinsky wasn't wrong about there being a price, but Adam didn't really mind the cost.

The real cost was in time; like everything in his life was.]

[Maybe Kavinsky was selfish. Maybe he was just needy. But it was good to hear that he mattered to Adam. He felt like he was nothing if he didn't matter to at least one person. Sometimes, it was easy to doubt how much his boys cared about him when they weren't prone to talking about it. He'd never admit to being a person who needed reassurances, but he was.]

We could be close.

[He was starting to feel like himself again and the words came out nearly like a purr. He rested his hands on Adam's hips, mostly for the sake of touching him. Plus, it steadied his still shaky hands.

Adam was something else. It didn't sound like he'd been born with this power but that didn't make him any less special in Kavinsky's eyes. Power always came from somewhere, though he didn't know where his own ability with dreams had originated. He might never know- but that was okay, too. He didn't have to know everything, after all.]

Not everyone would make a sacrifice like that. It takes someone who's brave. But of course, you are.

[Adam was one of Kavinsky's, and he didn't typically befriend cowards. He wouldn't consider any of his boys cowards, just misfits who'd needed space to grow into their own.]

[Adam understands needing reassurances. He'd never admit it, but he wants it, too. He understood that words were important as much from the way that he desires them himself, as from the ways that the things his father said haunted him. His breath catches a little at Kavinsky's words, and he looks at him, unsure but not uninterested. Kavinsky's hands pressed to his hips, his voice like a purr and Adam just-- god.

It felt impossible not to fall for him, at least a little. When you had his attention like this, how did you refuse it? And it wasn't like he was exclusive with Skov and Swan, even if he was still sort of figuring out how that worked. He thought anyone in the pack was okay. But Kavinsky himself?]

Do you want to be?

[The words aren't quite smooth, but there's an intensity to it, genuine and heavy with suggestion. He doesn't look away, isn't sure he could if he wanted to because Kavinsky's dark eyes feel a little bit magnetic. He cares about him, and he thinks that he wants to be closer. Both in the way that means I want to touch you and the softer one that meant something that Adam didn't quite know the words for just yet.]

It wasn't really brave. I was.. I didn't want anyone else to have it. When we're awake, I'll tell you the story, if you want to hear it.

[Not even Gansey, though he doesn't say that outloud. But for a moment, there's something in his eyes, the side of himself that he tries to keep buried, hungry and dark. Adam is a sharp thing, because he was never given the option to be anything else.

When you hit a blade a hundred times you either broke it or honed the edge.

So at school he mimicks Gansey's mannerisms and his accent, like that could make him into something softer and more acceptable. But Kavinsky and his boys, they make him feel like maybe he's okay. Like maybe he doesn't have to sculpt himself into someone else in order to get what he needs. Like he can still be desirable, even with his Henrietta drawl that curls around the edges of his words. He isn't sure if it's true or not, but he likes the way that it makes him feel.

He lets his fingers against Kavinsky's chest slide up until they brush against his shoulder, curling them at the back of his neck, drawing him in just a little closer. Close enough to kiss, though he doesn't say it. But it's in his body, in the way that he shifts in towards him.]

But I like that you think I am.

Can we-- talk?

[Ronan does not look like he wants to talk. He looks like he wants to hit something; judging by the state of his knuckles he probably already has. But his fists aren't clenched and he isn't going for Kavinsky's collar, isn't shoving him down on his car or up against a wall. Mostly because he isn't sure that he's allowed anymore, and that realization had sent a pang of hurt through him that he didn't understand. But despite having the appearance of a thunderstorm, he's being surprisingly civil.

It's one of Kavinsky's parties, a few weeks, or maybe months after everything changed. Ronan might be slow on the uptake, but he does catch on eventually. He'd felt it, but he hadn't known what it was. Adam was just around less, and when he was he felt sharper. He was more himself, louder, pushed Gansey in ways that Ronan wouldn't. He'd even caught the scent of weed on him, though he wasn't sure if it was from his own use or the company he kept. He'd seen the way that he looked at Swan and Skov, small touches when he thought no one was looking. Like he didn't realize Ronan was watching.

But this had been worse: Kavinsky standing with Adam by his locker, Adam's sandy head bowed towards him with a vicious smile, laughing- and Kavinsky looked almost lighter than he did when they were racing. Lacking anything to slam, anything to break, Ronan had just ditched class for the rest of the day, the rest of the week, feeling too bad for anything else. It's a bomb, just like you, and Ronan thought that he was going to fucking explode.

The summer had still been bad, even if it ended with a whimper, a gasp, not a bang. Kavinsky had told him what he was, and Ronan had flinched. He'd pushed him away and wondered why things weren't the same when he reached out later. But now it's Friday night and there's a party and Ronan's here, because he doesn't know what else to do.

Maybe it's not that he doesn't know what's happening. It's just that he doesn't know why it hurts.]

Do you want to be?

[He turned the question right around at Adam but he wasn't trying to deflect. He just wanted to know what the other boy wanted. It was easier to be open and honest when he knew what other people wanted, especially in a situation like this. But to be truthful, even if it wasn't out loud, he did want to be close with Adam.]

It still takes bravery to make a sacrifice. Not everyone's cut out for it.

[Especially if it was something that could give up any sort of autonomy. People valued that, and so did Kavinsky. His free will was everything to him.

They were close enough to kiss now, and though Kavinsky's gaze flickered down to Adam's mouth, he didn't go through with it. Instead, he wrapped his arms around the other boy, pulled him even closer, and tucked his head against his shoulder. Kavinsky'd wanted to do that since he'd realized Adam was there but he hadn't allowed himself for fear of seeming weak. Enough time had passed now, he thought, that it would be alright.

Kavinsky took a deep breath, held it for a moment, and exhaled slowly. Adam was warm and solid and real despite this being a dream and- Kavinsky was finally coming down from the adrenaline and panic of earlier.]

[Adam laughs softly, a tilt of his head and the way that he looks at Kavinsky is searing. Because he's gorgeous and popular and everything that Adam isn't. Or that was what he had thought before, anyway. Now, here- it was his eyelashes and the way he always felt dangerous despite his rough edges, despite that he was still hurting.]

Is that even a question? Everyone wants you. [A breath.] I want you. But I want more of you than you give the boys at your parties.

[It's not quite the question that Kavinsky had asked, but it feels like the one that he'd meant. And Adam.. well, he's been showing up at the other boy's parties for a while by now. He's ben watching him, in part because he watched Swan and Skov, but also just because Kavinsky was magnetic, a dark star. No one seemed to see his light, but the gravity was undeniable.

He doesn't say it like a demand, but like a fact. He hasn't let himself get close to Kavinsky because of it. Because he gives so little of himself away and Adam is greedy. Skov would tell him he wasn't, that asking for what he need isn't greed. But to Adam, love has always seemed like a privilege, and he's still unlearning the feeling. But he says it, which is probably progress, the fact that he allows to acknowledge this boy he doesn't deserve. That he lets it exist, lets himself acknowledge both that he wants him and why he's never let himself close enough before.

He doesn't quite know how to say thank you when Kavinsky insists it still takes bravery. And he's not wrong, really. When Adam's free-will, his autonomy was something that he'd suffer for. Someone's death wasn't really a sacrifice, it wasn't that simple.

Kavinsky doesn't kiss him, he wrapped his arms around the other boy, and Adam didn't know if it was a response to what he'd said about wanting more of him, but Adam pulls him into his arms anyway. Kavinsky's lovely, but he's also skinny, taller than Adam, but less muscle, less weight to him. So it's easy to draw him into his arms, to lean their temples together, to let himself feel like he could protect him.

It's easier to focus on than the secret he's keeping. The one that he has to face his father in court.]

[Of course it was even a question. Everyone might have wanted Kavinsky but they also wanted things from him. They wanted drugs or forgeries or sex or just to make out with him for a while to say they had. So when Adam said he wanted more of him than he gave to the boys at his parties, it felt like his pulse skipped a beat or two. It was one thing to be wanted for the things he could provide and another entirely to be wanted for who he was. He could give more of himself to Adam. He could open up to him, let him inside. They were already in Kavinsky's head--how much scarier could it be, to be honest with Adam?]

Okay.

[He closed his eyes, drinking in the feeling of Adam's arms around him. One could argue that Kavinsky was never hugged enough and that was why he'd turned out the way he had. They'd probably be right. It was especially hard now to keep up appearances and keep his reputation intact when there was a part of him that was desperate for this kind of contact. It was different than the way he was physical with his boys, always touching or slinging an arm around their shoulders.

He didn't think Adam was going to judge him for this.]

When we're awake- I want you in my bed.

[It wasn't an innuendo, shockingly. He wasn't asking for sex. He just wanted to curl up with Adam and talk before they fell asleep again. About what Adam could do and how he'd gotten this ability and what the shape of their relationship could be.]

[Kavinsky says okay and it spikes warmth through his veins. Because whatever he'd been expecting-- it wasn't acceptance, wasn't the way that the other boy says it as if it's something that he'd willing to give him, and his heart lurches in his chest. He hugs him just a little bit closer, brushes his cheek against him just for the contact, the warmth of his body against him, even if it is a dream. Adam was desperate for it too, if he was honest. It was how things had started with Skov and Swan, really.

He'd just been so glad that someone wanted to touch him like this.

So no, he doesn't judge Kavinsky for it. Not when he understands it so well himself. He does, however, flush at that request. Because Kavinsky might not mean it as an innuendo, but it definitely sounds like one. But it sounds like more than one, too. Adam's breath catches and he stumbles a bit when he tries to figure out how to say it.]

I-- yeah. Okay. I'd like that.

[He knew he'd have to talk to Skov and Swan about things, but he figured that could wait until morning. He wanted to cuddle with Kavinsky, he wanted to talk so that it felt real, like this was really something that he got to have, that he could wind himself up in the other boy and maybe- help ease his nightmares. He didn't know for sure, but he wanted to hug him, he wanted to be something good for him.]

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Open RP Post

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poly verse :eyes:

Yaaas also cw: abuse

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dreampack polyverse awfulness coughcough

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