Joseph ♔ Kavinsky (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
burnyoudown) wrote2021-07-18 04:56 pm
burnyoudown) wrote2021-07-18 04:56 pm
Entry tags:
Open RP Post
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🔥 General squick/trigger list.
🔥 m/m for anything shippy.
🔥 General headcanon for Kavinsky. If you've got different headcanon/ideas for a psl, hit me with 'em; I'm flexible.
🔥 Kavinsky's kink list.
🔥 This is open to everyone who wants to thread with me!
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[I want you is what he wants to say, but he's too sober, not yet inebriated enough on alcohol or a pill or just Kavinsky himself. He made him feel so much, could make him melt with a touch, that sometimes Ronan thought he was a drug, too.]
I want to talk- if it isn't too late. I'm shit at it, and I'm an asshole, and I panicked.
[But here he was, at his house in the middle of the night on a schoolnight, standing in the rain. And maybe he hadn't quite said I'm sorry, but his blue eyes were looking for forgiveness. Or a chance, at least. His fingers were damp, but he reached out, brushing them softly up against his ribs through the fabric of his shirt.]
I can stay the night, if you want me to.
[He rarely had, and when he did, it was usually only the fallout of a party, or movies with Skov and the rest of the pack. It wasn't just-- Kavinsky and Ronan, alone and together and he stayed because they meant something to each other. But the thought that he might have lost him had made him feel terrible, and the memory of how he'd hurt him made him burn with shame. He was shaking and it wasn't just from the rain, his eyes glassy and his eyelashes wet.]
I can't lose you. So can we--
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He wanted to be angry with Ronan. He wanted to lash out. But he was more afraid of losing him, and he might if he started a fight. It was too much of a risk. He stepped aside but not before catching Ronan by the wrist and tugging a little.]
Get in here. It's gross out there.
[Humid. He meant humid.
But as soon as Ronan was inside, maybe even before the door was shut, Kavinsky wrapped his arms around him. He was already forgiven because K was easy for him- or more accurately he was like a boomerang in Ronan's hands; if he was thrown away he'd come right back. But only for Ronan. Everyone else could go fuck themselves.
He didn't care that Ronan was wet from the rain, he didn't care that it was fuck-o'clock at night. All he cared about was the fact Ronan was there. And yeah, they needed to talk and it would probably go about as well as anyone would expect from the two of them but maybe he'd be surprised. Maybe everything would be sunshine and fucking rainbows.
Speaking of talking, he probably needed to do something more than just hug the other boy.]
I'd like it if you spent the night.
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His shirt and his jeans were wet, but he thought that Kavinsky would forgive him for that. Instead he just clung to him, holding onto him in a way that was raw and needy. He nuzzled his face into the side of his neck, exhaling like he'd forgotten how to breathe- like Kavinsky was a sort of home, too.]
I missed you.
[He really means I'm sorry, don't leave me, but the words are too vulnerable, even if they're in the way that Ronan holds onto Kavinsky despite how wet he is, like he needs him more than anything else. But he smiles, nodding against his shoulder when K says that he'd like it if he stayed. Gansey will have kittens of course, but Ronan isn't thinking about anyone but the boy in his arms.]
I'd like that too. Can I--
[He doesn't finish asking, he just kisses him. One hand lifting up to cup the side of his face, soft and tender and surprisingly sweet. Even the way that he kisses him is affection more than desire- there's that too, but it's like for the first time he's not as scared to show that he cares. Or maybe that he's scared that Kavinsky doesn't know.]
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I missed you, too.
[He didn't go far after the kiss, just...leaned against Ronan, holding onto him like it'd been months instead of days. There were plenty of opportunities for innuendos, starting with the fact Ronan was wet and ending with the fact they could have make-up sex. He thought he was maybe too drunk for that, though. He just wanted to be close to Ronan and breathe in his scent.]
Shit'd be easier if you didn't run with your tail between your legs, you know?
[There was no bite to it; he wasn't trying to be insulting or start a fight. He was only pointing out the fact Ronan needed to be better at communicating. As if Kavinsky would have handled 'I need some time to think about this' any better than he'd handled Ronan running off when things got frightening. That was the thing about Kavinsky though; he acted tough, looked tough, but was emotionally fragile.]
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Ronan just leaned back against the door, holding onto Kavinsky, like it had been far longer than days. But if anything, it had taught him how cruel it was when he'd ghost the other boy. Even if Ronan hadn't given in to the sort of desperation that Kavinsky would- texting him in repetition, he understood it. The hurt that ached in your chest like poison.
He nuzzled into the side of his neck, brushing bare skin with sweet whispers of kisses and the occasional tender nip of his teeth, because he couldn't entirely help himself.]
I know. It was just fucking terrifying. It had been easy to just fall into you without thinking about it too hard. It was just- sex and cars and shitty movies and more sex, right? And then you wanted to put a name to it, wanted to know what it meant and I'm a fucking mess, and I'd never dated anyone or anything. I'd never even kissed anyone before you. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but I don't-- I don't want to not have you in my life.
[His voice catches, and maybe his neck is a little more damp than it was before, Ronan holding him as close as he can without worrying about squeezing too tight. Kavinsky had been his first; been all of his firsts. Which Ronan had never lied to him about, but he had never admitted to it before, either. Always bravado about how he could take it when Kavinsky asked if he needed him to take it slow. They both tried to act tougher than they were.
He nuzzled into his neck, his voice warm as he sweetly whispered bad ideas:]
You'll cut school with me tomorrow, wont you? I wanna- get out of these wet clothes and I wanna hold you while we talk. And I wanna wake up with you next to me.
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He could understand how things had been frightening; it'd been frightening to him, too. Especially when Ronan had just bounced and didn't give him an answer.]
What it means is I want you to be my boyfriend. I thought, maybe you didn't want me like that when-...
[Which he would have understood, too, no matter how much it hurt. It was easier to fool around when you thought there were no strings attached, and in comparison, falling in love was scarier. But he wanted this and he'd fight for it, tooth and nail.
When Ronan asked if he'd cut school tomorrow, Kavinsky snorted out a laugh.]
As if you have to ask. You know me.
[Which meant; yes, absolutely, he'd cut school tomorrow. He'd do pretty much anything to wake up next to Ronan in the mornings. Aglionby was only worth it half the time to see Ronan there. And if he was going to cut, Kavinsky had no reason to attend classes.]
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[He kissed him again, sweet and sentimental, only pulling away so that he could strip in the entryway and not trail muddy bootprints and rainwater all the way to his bedroom. Although he notably doesn't say yes or no to the boyfriend question. Instead, he strips out of everything that's properly wet and not just damp, which ended up being-- well, pretty much everything. He co-opts the coat pegs for his wet clothes, even if he should probably at least toss them in the dryer eventually. He was rather of the opinion that could wait till morning, though.
But for now he was stripped down to moderately-dry socks and boxer briefs, and he pressed himself up against Kavinsky, wrapping his arms around his chest from behind, though he scrunched his face up a little at his damp shirt- even if it was wet from his own clothes. He nudges him a little towards his bedroom, clearly intending to follow, trail along with him.]
I know. I just wanted to make sure. I want-- fuck, I dunno. I wanna do something with you. Stay in bed all day reminding myself how your body feels. Drive out of town somewhere just for the fuck out of it. Let you drive and have a fucking picnic or whatever. Or take you to my place, show you- what the Barns are like. Maybe a little bit of everything, just.. Something.
[He presses a kiss to the curve of his neck; and Ronan might not have said yes, I want to be your boyfriend but there was an implication of it in how he was talking. Ronan didn't even talk like this with Gansey -- there were just, things he wanted to say, questions he wanted to ask. So he knew if he was fucking this up before they'd even started or not.]
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If Kavinsky was a better host, or maybe less drunk, he would've offered to throw Ronan's clothes in the dryer right now, but that could wait for tomorrow. It wasn't like the rainwater was going to hurt anything, after all. And besides, this was a pretty good reason to watch Ronan strip. Even if he wasn't getting completely naked.]
I can't think of anyone better than you, man.
[It was belated but still there and he still meant it. He'd just gotten distracted watching Ronan undress. And then Ronan was holding him again and kissing his neck and both of those things made him reluctant to move, but eventually, he forced himself to start heading for his bedroom.]
A little of everything. [He decided.] I'd like to see the Barns.
[It felt like...intimacy. Trust. Openness. It wasn't like Ronan operated a tour to the Barns for everyone all the time, after all.]
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After that he didn't pause until they were in K's room, gently kicking the door shut and locking it- more in case the other boy's mother came home than anything. But he smiles softly as Kavinsky said that he'd like to see the Barns. It made him feel- he didn't even know, exactly. Warm. Something about K wanting to see the house where he'd grown up, a place watered by his father's dreams. Maybe not the most stable place to make a life, but it had been his life. And now the Barns was his, for real.]
Okay. I want to show it to you. Because it's- you'll get it.
[He didn't really know how to explain it better than that, but the words were soft and fond. The sheer mention of it was trust and intimacy and openness- everything that Kavinsky thought it was. But Ronan meant it, as he looked at the other boy. He's started to realize that he had grown up in a place for dreams and dreamers, and that Kavinsky had not. So he wanted to show him, give him the feeling of what it was like, even if only for a little while- just to be able to breathe. To know there was a place in the world that felt like that.
What it was like to know how vast their dreams could be without having to fight for it. A place where Ronan could say dreamer outloud without that thrill of guilt; but he didn't have to because every twisted branch and fairy cow and sunbeam said it for him. And yet Kavinsky had still taught him so much about being a dreamer. And he wanted to try and give him something back. To tell him it had mattered when the words were still hard.
Once he was sitting on K's bed, he took his hand and tugged him down next to him. On another night, he might have asked for something to take the edge off. Right now, he just dove in before he lost his nerve.]
I want you more than I want anyone else. [He says it simple, the best attempt he has to frame the rest of it.]
But I had feelings about Skov too, you know. Nothing I ever meant to do anything about, cause he has Swan. But I wouldn't have kissed him-- I mean fuck, I sucked his dick that one time, and I kept thinking about how I wanted to do it again.
[Ronan doesn't look quite guilty or ashamed as much as confused. Feelings he hasn't admitted to, and as new as he is to relationships he hadn't known how to deal with any of this shit. But he was pretty sure that thinking about going down on someone else was not good boyfriend behavior, even with the mess that Ronan and Kavinsky and his knot of unfairly attractive boys had always been. For the moment he just holds onto the other dreamer tighter, like he thinks he might pull away from him.]
And then you wanted to know what we were, and I dunno man, it felt like I'd already fucked it up or something. Like I was already a bad boyfriend and we hadn't even officially gone on a date yet. And I didn't know how the fuck to say any of that. And telling you to fuck off was easier-- I know I was an asshole.
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He was sure Ronan's childhood home was a lot nicer than where Kavinsky had grown up. Not that the house hadn't been nice but it hadn't really felt like a home. He'd always figured Ronan's place was a home, not just a house. A place whose foundations were built on love. It made him envious just thinking about it.
Shrugging out of his damp t-shirt, he let Ronan tug him down next to him, gently bumping shoulders. He listened quietly while Ronan spoke, nodding here and there, while looking increasingly amused and relieved, both. So that was what had scared Ronan off. Kavinsky hadn't done anything wrong, after all.]
Fuck, man, haven't we all been there at some point or another with wanting Skov?
[It was light, almost a joke, but sincere, too. He leaned his head on Ronan's shoulder.]
I wasn't gonna kick you to the curb for that. I wasn't gonna kick you for anything. 'sides, we weren't official then, so...
[He shrugged a little.]
I still want you to be my boyfriend. Even if you wanna fuck around with Skov. It's not a dealbreaker. It's not like you want to fuck everyone.
[He went quiet for a moment, not quite hesitating but thinking over his words before he said anything else.]
We might even be able to work out something with Skov and Swan if you want.
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Ronan doesn't laugh, but he smiles, and it's like the anxiety bleeds out of him for the moment as Kavinsky leans his head on his shoulder. He reaches up a little awkwardly so that he could brush his fingers through the other boy's dark hair, just so that he can touch him, let his fingers whisper a different sort of affection than the kind he'd known how to say before.]
It creeps up on you, doesn't it? Skov. Like you think he's just this asshole punk, and then you realize he's, you know, one of the second-hottest guys I've met. And kind and loyal and funny, though mostly when he doesn't mean to be.
[He lightly bumps his shoulder into Kavinsky, a gentle touch that implies just who takes first place on Ronan's list. He's a little shy when he looks at K, like he isn't sure how much he's allowed to gush about another guy, even if it's Skov whose been one of Kavinsky's boys for as long as Ronan can remember. But then Kavinsky says that he still wants him to be his boyfriend, and Ronan eases.
It's easy for him to get himself wound up in his head, wound up in thoughts where all he sees is the worst. He feels almost embarrassed, but at the same time he's just glad that he gets this. That he can have a second chance, and that the fact that he liked Skov wasn't awful. It had been easy to see it that way with how adverse Ronan was to infidelity from long exposure to Declan, but the truth was that it was the lies that bugged him, and the way he treated the girls he dated like they were disposable, carbon-copies all named Ashley so he wouldn't even have to bother remembering their name.
But this wasn't that.
He cared about Kavinsky with an intensity that almost frightening, a ball of warmth and want and something else that he couldn't say yet. And he liked Skov as a person, too. He didn't just like his dick, or the way his eyes looked in the sunlight. He was a soft heart wrapped in sharp edges, bloody knuckles and the easiest promise on his mouth was always the threat to fuck you up, and he burned when people pressed at the things he was loyal to.
There was no part of Ronan that thought either of them were meaningless, that would lie about it. It was nothing like Declan at all, and that made it easier to finally work through his feelings about Kavinsky and Skov and everything else.]
I wanna be your boyfriend. Cause you're the one. I'd-- if I have to pick I pick you. No one else is even close. But I mean, if we could make that work.. yeah, I'd like to work something out. I liked having you both, and I'd maybe like to mess around with him sometime, but only if that's okay, you know? And I guess I'd have to ask him if he'd want that.
[He laughs a touch, shrugs his shoulders a little bit helplessly.]
It's not like either of us had wanted to sit down and talk about our feelings, and then I fucked things up, so things are-
[Basically Ronan didn't quite know where he stood with Skov either, right now. But Kavinsky was the one that was important, and so he presses a kiss to his temple before flopping backwards onto the bed. He pulls Kavinsky back with him and shifts them towards the pillows so that he can snuggle up against his body, nosing into his shoulder with a faint murmur of contentment as he sweetly tangles their bodies together.
Skov was a question for later, Kavinsky was now.]
You're warm.
[He said it like a lazy excuse that he didn't even really believe that he needed. He wanted this, to stay the night tangled up together. And then he wanted to be a good boyfriend, to take the whole day to try and just give them something nice where they didn't have to give a shit about anything else.
Which meant he'd have to take something from his dreams tonight.
Because he was going to take him to Cabeswater.
And Ronan wanted Kavinsky to have his own translation box, to show the other dreamer that he could speak back to dreams.]
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[And Skov might have been a brat sometimes but he was Kavinsky's friend and all of his friends were special and important, even if he wasn't the best at showing it or telling them. There might have been a time when he'd been into Skov but he could definitely appreciate how attractive he was either way. Kavinsky himself was loyal and wouldn't cheat on anyone but he still had eyes. There was nothing wrong with appreciating someone else's attractiveness, he figured. It was acting on it that caused problems.
And then Ronan said he'd pick Kavinsky over anyone and K felt warm and pleased. It wasn't often people chose him--though his boys chose him all the time, it was different. It wasn't romantic. This was romantic. There was a difference in being friends with someone versus wanting to date them. Just saying 'you're the one' made ridiculous things like wedding rings pop to mind. If only he was so lucky.]
If it's just Skov, I wouldn't mind. 'Cause he's my friend and we respect each other. Swan's the jealous type though but he hasn't punched you yet, so maybe he'd be cool with it, too.
[Neither of them would try to steal the other's boyfriend from them; Kavinsky was certain of that. Though he was a little nervous (which he'd never admit to), he trusted both Skov and Ronan. He trusted Swan, too, and the rest of his boys. They all wanted each other to be happy.]
But yeah, ask him. Skov, I mean. And Swan too, probably.
[The worst that could happen was Skov said no, but then Ronan would still have Kavinsky and that was the important part, right?
Snuggling up against Ronan, Kavinsky draped an arm around him. Things were almost too good to be true right now but he knew they were real. He knew when he was dreaming and when he wasn't.]
And you're sweet.
[Beneath the barbs and blades and sharp edges and bruised knuckles. Ronan was a soft center wrapped in barbed wire and Kavinsky had fought his way through to reach that center. It hadn't always been easy and it hadn't always been pretty but it'd been worth it. Kavinsky wouldn't trade anything he had with Ronan for anything else in the world.]
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[Okay, maybe he'd had dirty dreams about Swan once or twice, but it had never felt the same as it did with Skov, where there was real attraction and not just because he was hot. Really, all of Kavinsky's boys were hot in their own way. But he'd always liked Skov in a way that was different from the other boys, even if Ronan was fond of all of them in different ways.
Part of the reason it had fucked with Ronan so much was because he was loyal, or had always seen himself that way, at least. Even now, if Kavinsky had said it wasn't okay, he meant it that he mattered more. That he'd pick him over anyone else. But if Skov wanted something, and it was okay with Kavinsky and Swan... God, he felt like he'd fuck it up, like he had to because that was just the person that Ronan was. But if there was anyone that could put up with him, he thought it would probably be Kavinsky and Skov.
So he spends the night, his body tangled up with Kavinsky's, holding him close, and god- he's needed this in ways that he doesn't even really know how to feel, let alone that he could say to the other boy. But he wants to show him. He wants-- he doesn't really know. But he wants to try and be a better boyfriend, he guesses. Or maybe not just better, but actually good to him. Because yeah, he knows that being better isn't exactly a high bar. But he hadn't realized-- he doesn't know. He'd been a fucking idiot, really. It had never crossed his mind that he could hurt Kavinsky, and now he knows that he had, and he wants to fix it as much as he can.
If it had been anyone else, he wouldn't have dared to dream like this. But he knew that Kavinsky knew the dangers, and he trusted the other boy to keep them safe even if Ronan fucked it up and manifested a nightmare instead of what he wanted. Of course, he almost forgets all about what he wanted to bring back with him, because Kavinsky is in the dream with him. They were Kings here. With Ronan with him, the forest is even a little more tolerant than it usually was of the other dreamer. He shows him orphan girl, explains that he'd dreamt her when he was young, desperate to not be alone, to have a friend that was like him. Initially she's skittish like she's scared of K, but then Ronan gives him a box of dreamt KFC and the odd dream creature warms up to him almost instantly. Kavinsky might notice that her teeth are sharp and that as she eats the chicken she crunches right through the bones.
And then there's a clearing, green grass and trees both old and new, and climbing trellises of flower blooms that wind around with the moss. It's lit with golden sparks of light, that flit around, almost dancing in the air like they're something alive. Ronan takes his clothes off, more by thinking about it than with his fingers. He can't help himself, and there's something about touching Kavinsky in his dreams. It feels more raw, more honest, like it's just Ronan instead of the pretenses, and maybe he wants to give that to him.
So, yeah, he almost forgets about the translation box. But he remembers, or well, Orphan Girl peers from around the trees, saying don't forget! and Ronan picks a strange white shape from between some vines. He looks at Kavinsky with a smile, kisses him and tells him that he'll show him when they're awake. He wakes with it clutched in his hands, his body still tucked into Kavinsky's, his face pressed into the dip of his shoulder.
And true to his words, he does show him how it works once he's no longer paralyzed and they're both awake, and they're both stolen enough kisses to feel content for the next few minutes, at least. But there's clearly something missing, because while Ronan shows him how it works, he doesn't explain what it's for, or why he'd wanted it. He just says: there's something I want to show you, and tells him not to forget it.
But after breakfast, after a shower that takes a very long time since neither of them can keep their hands off each other, and after they finally get their clothes on- Ronan stealing Kavinsky's and finally remembering to toss his wet clothes from the night before into the laundry. But then Kavinsky is driving the Mitsubishi with Ronan in the passenger seat, and he wont give him an address, but he gives him directions. Then as they drive through the grassy field, there comes that point where it clicks, where K hits the breaks hard as he realizes that the trees they're heading towards seem strange and familiar. Ronan just laughs, clasping him on the shoulder, shaking him a little as he tosses him the odd box he dreamt for him, and then he's springing from the car.
Ronan seems wild here, his blue eyes bright as gems, grinning as he runs for a moment, only to spin around and hold a hand out for Kavinsky. A thrill like something electric running through him, alive and vibrant, as urgent as a dream.]
It's name is Cabeswater. It's-- Fuck. C'mon... I want you to meet it.
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Ronan spending the night was beautiful. The dream was beautiful. Even the strange dream creature who liked chicken was beautiful, in a way. Even if she apparently bit right through bones. It was a dream; usually impossible things were generally plenty possible. So he didn't bat an eye, not at that stuff. Dreams always made reality pale in comparison, but it seemed even more--just...more, with Ronan there. Kavinsky was confident in his own abilities as a dreamer, but seeing what Ronan could do made him feel a little--not inadequate, but like he still had so much more to learn and experience.
He didn't know what was so important about the box, and he absolutely had intentions of making sure Ronan coughed up the information, but it seemed like the other boy had a surprise for him, too. So he didn't press too much right now. Besides, it was easy to get distracted by the lines of Ronan's body, the lines of his tattoo and muscles, the perfect curve of his ass. Everything about him was perfect. Even his scars, which Kavinsky kissed tenderly while they were in the shower.
He didn't forget the box when they left--how could he?--but he also didn't get why Ronan couldn't just give him an address. It would have been easy to pop it into google maps, but maybe that would've ruined the surprise. Maybe the place didn't have an address. Or it was convoluted.
And then, because Kavinsky had an eye for detail and because it was hard to forget the dream they'd shared the night before, of course he recognized the trees. He cast a suspicious look in Ronan's direction, but it was curious and surprised, too. He liked seeing Ronan happy. He liked all of this, even if he didn't know exactly what was going on. He liked any time he could spend with the other dreamer. It was all valuable, precious.
He'd barely put the car in park before Ronan was practically leaping out, and Kavinsky watched him from behind his sunglasses. Fuck, but he always wanted Ronan to be like this, happy and wild and carefree.
Taking the box with him, he got out of the Mitsubishi, shaking his head a little even as he smiled while he caught up so he could take Ronan's hand.]
You want me to meet a forest?