Joseph ♔ Kavinsky (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
burnyoudown) wrote2021-07-18 04:56 pm
burnyoudown) wrote2021-07-18 04:56 pm
Entry tags:
Open RP Post
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🔥 General squick/trigger list.
🔥 m/m for anything shippy.
🔥 General headcanon for Kavinsky. If you've got different headcanon/ideas for a psl, hit me with 'em; I'm flexible.
🔥 Kavinsky's kink list.
🔥 This is open to everyone who wants to thread with me!
no subject
Would you do it? If he found you one night saying he'd made a mistake or something.
[There's a pause, and he shakes his head a little, fingers tracing loops against Kavinsky's chest. It was easy enough to figure out that Adam thought that Ronan'd made a huge mistake. And he figured that even his friend who was oblivious as anything would put that together eventually. And when he did...]
This isn't-- I'm not going to be upset about it.
[And he means that, more or less. It might hurt his feelings, but he's not fishing for an argument or for an insult. It's more complicated than that. He just- the way Kavinsky talks about Ronan feels different than the way Adam feels about Ronan. Or maybe it isn't even Kavinsky at all, maybe it's just Adam. Maybe it's just that he can't help feeling like there's nothing he has that he wouldn't lose if Ronan wanted it. That hasn't really been a concern so far, but Kavinsky-- it's always felt almost arrogant to think he can keep him.]
I'm a realist. But I'm also- [He laughs softly, lighter than what he's said probably sounds.] -hideously in love with you. So I just... if we know we can figure it out, right?
[Maybe it was optimistic to think he could reduce this sort of thing to a puzzle, to something where Adam just had to be able to see all the pieces. And yes, the way he sucks a mark into the side of K's throat is probably insecurity as much as affection. They're complicated feelings that curl in his chest, pressing against his breastbone. But he figures that Kavinsky knew that before they were dating, probably knows it better now.
It's insecurity, that fear that he isn't good enough. But it's also devotion, also the desperate want to hold onto Kavinsky with both hands, with everything he has.]
no subject
I wouldn't if it would hurt you. 'cause I love you and I don't want to lose you.
[And Adam was maybe one of the best things that'd ever happened to him. Sure, Kavinsky had the rest of his boys but Adam was different than them. He was- K didn't know how to put it into words. He just knew that Adam was special. He was good with his hands too, and his mouth, and- there wasn't a single thing about him that wasn't good.
Kavinsky sank his fingers into Adam's hair for the sake of touching him.]
I know a lot of people probably think I'm 'that guy' who'd fuck around but I'm not. I just- I still care about Ronan, though.
[But he didn't know if Ronan felt like he'd made a mistake, if Ronan even wanted him. And what did it matter, at the end of the day? Kavinsky had Adam and he was more than happy with him.]
no subject
I love you so goddamn much.
[He almost lets it go. Not because he doesn't think it's important, but because he's a greedy, selfish creature, and being told that he's enough is such a breathless feeling that he wants to hold onto it forever. But instead he just holds onto it for a minute or so, long enough to memorize it, to tuck it into his ribcage where no one can take it from him, where he can pull it out on his worst moments and remember the feeling.
He snuggles into Kavinsky's shoulder, affectionate because he can't put into words how much that means to him. So he just says it in how he looks at him, overflowing with it.]
I know you're not. I trust you, completely, no matter what other people think. All I was saying was-- you still care about Ronan. And I care about Skov and Swan.
[He sighs, but it's not sad. If anything it's warm and light, smiling against the other boy's skin, still curled in the safety of that feeling. Trying to say that what he was talking about wasn't whether Kavinsky would cheat on him or not, but something else.]
So I'm not saying I don't trust that you would choose me. I mean, I'm greedy and selfish- I like keeping you to myself. But I don't need that. What I need is... your love and desire, your attention, to know that I'm enough, that you'll keep me anyway, that I wont lose you.
[He runs his fingers through Kavinsky's dark hair. It isn't easy for him, but it is true. He wouldn't be with Swan and Skov if he couldn't handle the thought of Kavinsky kissing someone else, that there might be someone else he'd care for. Adam wasn't quite hypocritical, he was just greedy. Ronan was admittedly a more complicated feeling than Skov or Prokopenko, where the worst of Adam's feelings would probably be jealousy if he didn't get to watch. But- it wasn't impossible.]
It doesn't have to be something that hurts me.
no subject
[He was genuinely touched that Adam trusted him. Other people might say it was stupid to trust Kavinsky, but he wasn't really that bad--was he? He knew he was a monster, but even monsters had redeeming qualities. Sometimes.
Listening quietly to what Adam had to say, he held him close and pressed a kiss to his head. Kavinsky was a smart guy. He could put the pieces together. But he also didn't want to make an assumption about what Adam was saying. It sounded like he was willing to share Kavinsky with Ronan--but he didn't want to assume. It wasn't even about getting his hopes up- because as much as he wanted to kiss Ronan, he could live without it. Adam was enough for him, an equal, a boy whose feet Kavinsky wanted to worship at. It wasn't a feeling he usually had.]
So...are you saying I could kiss Ronan?
[He figured he'd start small, see if he was right or not, and build up depending on Adam's response. He wouldn't have imagined they'd be having this kind of conversation but- maybe it was good that they were. For all he knew, nothing would ever come of it, but sometimes it was good to know where you stood with certain things.]
No matter what, you're not going to lose me.
[Not unless Adam broke up with him or something.]
no subject
[There are caveats there, but rather than getting into them immediately he shifts so that he's laying on top of Kavinsky's chest, cupping his face in his hands so that he can kiss him, slow and lingering and affection that almost tips into desire. He's never felt like he needed a person before; he needed his scholarship, he needed the letters of recommendation from Aglionby, he needed to get into an Ivy League college. But he needed Kavinsky too. He'd never felt as capable of doing the things he desired, as when he was standing at Kavinsky's side.]
Just making out, though. And tell me about it when you can. And then-- we can talk about it, about Ronan. But the kissing wont hurt me.
[He grinned impishly, light and almost playful, like letting him kiss Ronan was almost easy. And it was, honestly. Reaching out he softly brushes his fingers against the side of Kavinsky's face, letting his touch trail against his skin, down to his chest. He likes touching him. Both when it's his cock in his hand, or just like this. Just fingertips, curling against the warmth of his body, so awed that he gets to have this. That he gets Kavinsky, gets a boy with everything that would choose him over anyone else.
There's that quiet implication there that the kissing wont hurt, but that something else could, but Adam doesn't leave it hanging.]
To be honest, Ronan's... more difficult for me. I mean, we spent a year and a half basically competing for Dick's attention and neither of us were even dating him. And back then- I couldn't help comparing myself against him and seeing all the ways that I didn't think I was good enough. But I'm not who I was then. So I'm open to talking about it, seeing what we'd want and what that could look like.
[He looks at K, and he can't help the way his heart skips in his chest, his skin almost electric. Something about the way that Kavinsky says it like a promise, and Adam believes him. Part of his issue with Gansey had always been the knowledge that he'd go where-ever Glendower led him, and it made everything he offered even more toxic than just his carelessness.
And here's Kavinsky, and he says you're not going to lose me like something solid, a foundation; the sort of thing that you built houses on. Or a life.
Adam wants him so much that it feels like it burns him. Fuck.]
no subject
Are you sure?
[He wasn't sure if Adam would say something like this or not just to make him happy. And while the idea was flattering, he didn't want Adam to make himself uncomfortable just for someone else's sake. He wanted Adam to be happy and comfortable and just- he wanted him to have all of the best things in life. The only struggle was he wasn't sure Adam would accept the best things in life without earning them for himself.]
You're not- I mean- [Kavinsky took a breath and tried again.] You shouldn't compare yourself to someone else 'cause everyone is different. Everyone has value and different- uh- fuck- not skills, different- like strengths. And you and Ronan are nothing alike. You want different things out of life. He was special because he was like me, but that's a stupid fucking thing to hinge wanting someone on.
[And yet, he still wanted Ronan. He couldn't help it. After a moment, he added-]
I wouldn't replace you with him, no matter what happened.
no subject
Yeah. It's all the rest of it that I'm not sure about. But kissing him one night if he gives you the chance? Do it. Make him melt. Tell me what it was like. I mean, it'd be a lot easier for me if Swan was your dream boy, but I don't hold it against you.
[He says it with a laugh, teasing him lightly, but he quiets, lets Kavinsky try and say what he's trying to say. He doesn't want to rush him or pressure him, since he knows that saying this sort of stuff is difficult. And he does appreciate the sentiment, but then Adam can't help catching on that last part.]
It isn't a stupid thing to hinge wanting someone on.
[Adam says it a little bit more intently than he means to and he quiets a little. Just brushing his fingers against Kavinsky's chest, letting his touch rest against his heart, and he takes a few breaths.]
Ever since Persephone died... I mean, made a deal to wake up a ley line is a club with a pretty limited member list, you know? Even Persephone wasn't.. but the way she felt things was similar. And now there's no one. Just me and a ley line that some days feels like it's more than I can comprehend. And I don't--
[Adam catches his breath roughly, shaking his head a little bit awkwardly as he tries to keep from losing the point he'd been trying to make. Outside, she would have said- gently urging when his thoughts would start to spiral: or capsize. He didn't really talk about this, these feelings. They'd talked about her death before, of course. But Adam had sort of skimmed over this part of it; he didn't like admitting to it, to the loneliness, to how strange he felt sometimes, and like no one else could see.]
So uh- no, I don't think it's stupid to want to be close to someone because they're special in the same way you are. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you. I'd just be unknowable, but lost.
no subject
[And then, as if he hadn't just said that, he continued,]
I can feel the ley line. I just never knew what it was before I met you. You're not alone. You don't have to handle anything alone.
[He cupped the side of Adam's face in his hand before kissing him, soft and slow. He knew what it was like to feel alone in the world; it was why he gathered boys to his side, pulled them under his wing so they wouldn't be alone, either.
He hadn't known Persephone but if she had been important to Adam, then she'd probably been a good or kind person--or both. He wished there were more people in the world who could support Adam. Adam deserved it.
Kavinsky had never really been anyone's rock before. It was an odd but touching idea.]
What if I kiss Ronan and things get complicated, though? What if he wants to get back together or something? I'm not breaking up with you, for the record.
no subject
And then he asks about what if thing gets complicated, and Adam quiets for a moment, trying to order his thoughts as he strokes his fingertips up against his boyfriend's chest. He loves him so much. He loves how much he cares, that he doesn't just take this for granted. Like he wants to make sure it's okay for real, that they're going to be okay. That Adam... that he really was enough for Kavinsky. It leaves him a little breathless, torn between wanting him and wanting to cuddle him.
But it's still a difficult question to answer, to work out how to say it.]
So you kiss Ronan. And he wants to get back together. And then we talk about it. You said I wont lose you, that you wouldn't replace me. And I trust you. And Ronan--
[This part felt harder to explain. Because Ronan did make him feel insecure, but he also felt.. he didn't know. It was easier to be friends with Ronan than Gansey most days. They weren't close exactly, but they weren't not close, either. Adam would be one of the first people to say that Ronan was an asshole and that Gansey needed to stop holding his hand, stop trying to tug him in the trajectory he thought he should be following. But he also was maybe one of the only people that didn't think he'd fall.]
He's an asshole, but not like that. Not like you kiss him and he wants to get back together and then he's showing up late and offering to fool around if you don't tell me about it. And I do think you'd tell him to fuck off, but if I thought he was like that- it's not something you talk through.
[He shrugs his shoulders and then he meets Kavinsky's eyes. He's struggling himself; it might seem like talking about things like this was easier for him than most of the boys. But there was a difference between easier and easy. And this was hard, because it was hard to believe that if Ronan wanted Kavinsky back that he stood a chance. But the flipside of it was that he didn't believe Ronan was that cruel.]
He's the only reason I have my driver's license, you know. He taught me to drive- in his car. I drove the BMW for my driver's test. It wasn't like my father cared, and he would have never let me take the truck, anyway. Gansey would have missed the entire fucking point and tried to buy me a goddamn car. So... I dunno, man. Ronan's an asshole, sure, no question. But he's not.. just an asshole.
[He didn't know if Kavinsky understood what he was trying to say. He didn't know if he understood the point he was trying to make. Tense and his voice tinged with that Henrietta accent as he tried to make sense of how they'd handle it if Ronan wanted Kavinsky. He didn't think that Ronan would hurt him on purpose, was what he supposed he was saying. That Adam could trust it if they talked it out, that he could trust them together.]
So if it gets complicated and he wants you back, we talk about it. We see what he wants, and-- and if that's something you want, too. We see what would work, and if that fits for everyone or not.
[It's difficult to say, to talk about Kavinsky wanting Ronan as more than just kissing, as something real. Like he'd said before, this is the stuff where he just doesn't know. He's quiet for a moment and he exhales, a little rough, a slight tremble in his body and he just clings to him, curls into him so that he can nuzzle into his shoulder. His heart pounding in his chest, and he's not upset, he just- it's a lot for him. To remind himself that he trusts Kavinsky, trusts how firm and solid his affirmation had been.]
So, uh... If you wanted to get back together with him, then we'd see if we could figure it out. But like I said before, this is the stuff-- it's hard. I don't know how much of you I could stand to lose.
no subject
You're okay. We're okay.
And I would absolutely tell him to fuck off he tried to get handsy. But you're right. He's an asshole but he's not that kind of asshole.
[So Kavinsky didn't think Ronan would try to make a move, if he even still wanted Kavinsky after everything that had happened. And the bit where 'Ronan isn't just an asshole' made him want to ask Adam what he thought of Ronan, really, if he had feelings for him, but he wasn't sure if now was a good moment. They already had enough on their plates, after all.]
I'm not gonna do anything you're not okay with, you know? I just- I was curious. But I don't want you to lose any of me.
[But he also didn't know how dating Adam and Ronan would work. He'd hardly ever had a single boyfriend. He'd also probably manage to fuck it up somehow, he was sure, just like he fucked up everything else.]
You're- you make me feel safe. [He admitted.] I'm not sure I'd be able to talk about this stuff, like this, with anyone else. I appreciate...I just appreciate you.
no subject
[He murmured it softly, even if he sort of felt embarrassed for being so affected, for needing the comfort, the physical reassurance that they were here together, and they were okay. But he didn't pull away from Kavinsky, and it was pretty obvious that the way he rubbed his back and the murmured words helped ease the spots that had been rubbed raw by talking about all of this, how difficult it was to tell himself that he would get to keep Kavinsky, even when Ronan wanted him.]
I know. And I.. I appreciate that so much. It's just difficult to believe that if Ronan wanted you back that I'd still get to have you. But it's not that I don't trust you, because.. it's just difficult, not impossible.
[It was just still a rough thing to work through. He held onto him, nuzzling into him, shamelessly needy just to touch him, just to remind himself that Kavinsky wanted him. And this was all speculation anyway, even if Adam suspected that Ronan would work through things eventually. He rather wanted Kavinsky to know both that yes, he could kiss him if it happened to come up, but that Adam was unsure about the rest. That he couldn't promise anything, because it was hard to imagine that he could give Ronan enough without hurting himself. But they could talk about it, at least.
And god, the way that Kavinsky says that he makes him feel safe is a feeling Adam doesn't have words for. He just murmurs, holding him a little bit closer.]
You're so important to me. And I want to make you feel safe. I want you to feel like you can talk to me about anything.
[He curls up with him, touches him in a way that isn't quite chaste, but it's mostly just- being tactile is reassuring. And he wants to feel his desire, to feel wanted. Maybe it's selfish- but with Kavinsky Adam feels selfish a lot. He just also feels like he's allowed to be.]
And- I don't mean lose you in the big ways. I mean small things. Like how many days do I give him to spend with you instead of me? Do I stop going to your parties, since that used to be your thing with him? There isn't a way where it would be easy. It'll be compromise. But I want you to be happy. And if-- If you want him, I'd try to see if it could work.
no subject
[Especially someone who respected him and thought he was worth keeping forever. And Kavinsky thought he was worth it. Adam was important to him; he made K feel safe and able to be soft in ways he hadn't thought were possible with anyone.
It was the subject of having to split his time between Ronan and Adam that made Kavinsky frown as he listened. The way Adam framed it, it sounded like the situation divorced couples had where they only got to see their kid on certain days. Was that how things were supposed to work if Kavinsky was dating two people?]
Why would you have to stop going to my parties? I like it when you're there. Unless...
[Unless Adam meant it would be difficult seeing Kavinsky with Ronan. That brought up different concerns because Kavinsky didn't want to make things hard like that. He didn't want to make either of them jealous or sad or anything.]
I want you to be happy, too. So if this wouldn't work out where you could still smile all the time, I don't think I'd wanna do it.
no subject
I just mean-- I figured if you were dating him you'd want time alone with him. To have space where I'm not holding on to you.
[He tries to covertly wipe at his misty eyes, but it's not really all that secret. His breath hitches a little, and he shakes his head a little bit self-consciously. It feels obvious that Kavinsky was envisioning something different; something where Adam didn't have to not be part of it. And that feels.. maybe a little bit more like something he could live with. But for right now, he knows that he can't talk that out the way that he'd want to.]
Why don't we.. we can talk about it later. I didn't really- I didn't really think about it like this. And you make me all emotional.
[It's not really a complaint, and he just presses in against him, cups his face in his hands as he leans against his chest. He's- well, he's sort of half-hard against Kavinsky's stomach. Which is a bit embarrassing, but no one's ever cared for him like this before. And he thinks that maybe he wasn't letting himself how much K cared because it was sort of terrifying. Because admitting how much he cared-- it was admitting that he was worth it, it was admitting that he wanted it, that this was something he didn't want to lose.]
I'm such a mess for you, K. I want- I want to smile for you always. And fuck, you care so much, in ways I never thought I'd deserve from anyone- and I want to hold you and tell you how much that means, and how much I care for you. But it also really turns me on? Just- feeling so much.
no subject
[Because Adam was so, so special to him. He couldn't imagine a day going by where they didn't talk or at least text or something.
Kavinsky kissed him sweetly but didn't say anything about Adam being misty-eyed. He wasn't going to draw attention to it, even if it was just the two of them. He just hoped it was the good kind of misty.]
Sure, sweetheart.
[The rest though, combined with the start of an erection he could feel, made him laugh a little, but not unkindly. He kissed Adam again, letting it linger for a moment. He'd never thought he'd have something like this, not with anyone. Especially not with a boy like Adam.]
So, it's sexy how much I love you?
[He was teasing, but gently. He knew how overwhelming emotions could be, even in a positive way.]