I'm sorry. I guess I-- I'm always figuring shit out too late, aren't I?
[His words catch, choke in his throat. And if this had been before Kavinsky died, he probably would have laughed about it, said something vicious to cover it over. He doesn't. If not for K's weight against him, he probably would have sagged under the weight of the guilt. But somehow, being so close like this made it impossible for the feeling to settle on his skin.
He nods at the question, his face flushed, a little awkward as he breathes it into the air.]
Both. I guess.. probably more after. But I dreamt about you when you were alive, too.
[He notably doesn't mention what those dreams were about, but it's also not hard to figure out, either. The way his skin warms and his blue eyes dip. And there's a moment where he doesn't meet Kavinsky's dark gaze until he can't fight it anymore, can't help it from the proximity.
Ronan doesn't know what he wants anymore. Was there anything worse than realizing you wanted someone too late to stop pulling away, stop being scared of what that meant? Knowing that what happened to them was your fault in the ways that mattered? If not for Matthew he doesn't know if he'd have made it through the year-- but he supposes that's why Declan told him. The cruelest of kindness.]
You should have told me you were a ghost sooner, asshole.
[That felt safer, like something normal. He doesn't really plan on wrapping his arms around K's chest, clinging to his body that isn't flesh, the touch of him that's something other than warmth, not quite solid. Ronan presses his face into his neck, cheeks wet with hot tears. He doesn't make a sound, probably hasn't since Kavinsky died. It's not like he had anyone he thought would understand.]
no subject
[His words catch, choke in his throat. And if this had been before Kavinsky died, he probably would have laughed about it, said something vicious to cover it over. He doesn't. If not for K's weight against him, he probably would have sagged under the weight of the guilt. But somehow, being so close like this made it impossible for the feeling to settle on his skin.
He nods at the question, his face flushed, a little awkward as he breathes it into the air.]
Both. I guess.. probably more after. But I dreamt about you when you were alive, too.
[He notably doesn't mention what those dreams were about, but it's also not hard to figure out, either. The way his skin warms and his blue eyes dip. And there's a moment where he doesn't meet Kavinsky's dark gaze until he can't fight it anymore, can't help it from the proximity.
Ronan doesn't know what he wants anymore. Was there anything worse than realizing you wanted someone too late to stop pulling away, stop being scared of what that meant? Knowing that what happened to them was your fault in the ways that mattered? If not for Matthew he doesn't know if he'd have made it through the year-- but he supposes that's why Declan told him. The cruelest of kindness.]
You should have told me you were a ghost sooner, asshole.
[That felt safer, like something normal. He doesn't really plan on wrapping his arms around K's chest, clinging to his body that isn't flesh, the touch of him that's something other than warmth, not quite solid. Ronan presses his face into his neck, cheeks wet with hot tears. He doesn't make a sound, probably hasn't since Kavinsky died. It's not like he had anyone he thought would understand.]