[It comes out bittersweet, but he means it. He wishes that he'd been brazen enough, selfish enough, to try this the first time around. That he'd had the grace to step in between this boy and disaster, so that Kavinsky had never died, so there wasn't anything to fix. He rubs his thumb softly against the other dreamer's fingers where they're holding hands.
But then Kavinsky talks about how he'd felt like Ronan had used him, and he hesitates for a moment, with what to say, how to say it. Because he's not wrong, really. Even if Ronan hadn't meant it like that, it had still happened. He had thought he could walk away and that things would go back to the way that they had been before, mostly because he wanted them to. Because of course it couldn't-- it had meant something to the other boy, and Ronan didn't get to walk that back just because it made him uncomfortable.]
I know. Look, I'm not-- I wouldn't have.
[Kavinsky isn't wrong about there being a catch, it's just probably not the sort of catch that he expects. And it's not exactly the sort of thing that Ronan knows how to explain well. He's never had to explain this. He wouldn't even have talked about this with himself, even if he could. He doesn't let go of the other dreamer's hand, but there's a tension in how he draws up his shoulders, but he doesn't flinch from it in the same way that the other one would have. He doesn't snarl and act like this is Kavinsky's fault.]
Ronan is-- well, I think it goes sort of like this: you can't have half a dream or half a dreamer, not really... It's like in Chemistry class, right? What do you do when something would split an atom in half? You double the whole thing. So there's two. There's always been two of us.
[Which is probably a shitty way to explain what he is, but just because his fingers are deeper in dreams than Ronan's, it doesn't change the fundamental shape of who he is. He just hasn't had to deal with the world as much as Ronan, and he hasn't had Richard Gansey or Adam Parrish in the same sort of ways. So he's more raw, a little stranger, because life hasn't made his broken pieces quite so sharp. But he still burns the same.]
I meant everything that I've said. I have always wanted you.
[The problem is that he just doesn't know if that's enough to save him, but fuck he wants it to be. He looks a little bit apologetic, and more than that, there's worry in his blue eyes. That fear of losing something you want but have never really had.]
no subject
[It comes out bittersweet, but he means it. He wishes that he'd been brazen enough, selfish enough, to try this the first time around. That he'd had the grace to step in between this boy and disaster, so that Kavinsky had never died, so there wasn't anything to fix. He rubs his thumb softly against the other dreamer's fingers where they're holding hands.
But then Kavinsky talks about how he'd felt like Ronan had used him, and he hesitates for a moment, with what to say, how to say it. Because he's not wrong, really. Even if Ronan hadn't meant it like that, it had still happened. He had thought he could walk away and that things would go back to the way that they had been before, mostly because he wanted them to. Because of course it couldn't-- it had meant something to the other boy, and Ronan didn't get to walk that back just because it made him uncomfortable.]
I know. Look, I'm not-- I wouldn't have.
[Kavinsky isn't wrong about there being a catch, it's just probably not the sort of catch that he expects. And it's not exactly the sort of thing that Ronan knows how to explain well. He's never had to explain this. He wouldn't even have talked about this with himself, even if he could. He doesn't let go of the other dreamer's hand, but there's a tension in how he draws up his shoulders, but he doesn't flinch from it in the same way that the other one would have. He doesn't snarl and act like this is Kavinsky's fault.]
Ronan is-- well, I think it goes sort of like this: you can't have half a dream or half a dreamer, not really... It's like in Chemistry class, right? What do you do when something would split an atom in half? You double the whole thing. So there's two. There's always been two of us.
[Which is probably a shitty way to explain what he is, but just because his fingers are deeper in dreams than Ronan's, it doesn't change the fundamental shape of who he is. He just hasn't had to deal with the world as much as Ronan, and he hasn't had Richard Gansey or Adam Parrish in the same sort of ways. So he's more raw, a little stranger, because life hasn't made his broken pieces quite so sharp. But he still burns the same.]
I meant everything that I've said. I have always wanted you.
[The problem is that he just doesn't know if that's enough to save him, but fuck he wants it to be. He looks a little bit apologetic, and more than that, there's worry in his blue eyes. That fear of losing something you want but have never really had.]