[Like all things, it was easier to understand in hindsight, to see all the things he'd gotten wrong. And he really didn't see it as Kavinsky's fault, think that he'd done things wrong until the very end, and by then Ronan could understand why he'd reacted the way that he had: feeling like he was underwater, willing to do anything to get his attention. It didn't mean that he was okay with the fact that he'd tried to kidnap Matthew, exactly, but he understood that he'd had a role to play in how things got so far.
He draws his hand in slow circles against his back, trying to be soothing, reassuring, trying to let Kavinsky know that he's here, and that Ronan's here for him.]
I wanted you, you know. I dreamt about you sometimes. About what it would be like if you touched me. If we kissed. If we- did other stuff. But I was still all in my head about what it meant to be a dreamer. I thought it meant having to make up for what I was. And the idea of liking boys was-- I dunno. Made it worse.
[I hated myself, is what he doesn't say outloud, but thinks that Kavinsky will understand it anyway. About what the weight had been like, how heavy it was to carry those feelings.]
So you weren't wrong, K. It was just overwhelming. And the idea of wanting you and you wanting me back fucking terrified me because I wanted it so much. I thought that I could just... push you away and that things would go back to how they were before. That they wouldn't have to change. That I wouldn't have to change.
[He laughs a little, but it's not mocking, just rueful and a little bit sad. It feels almost tragic because of the fact that he'd basically broken his own heart. No wonder things hadn't worked out with Adam -- he'd handed him his broken heart like it was a car he could fix. And Parrish deserved so much better than that.]
I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, not for real.
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[Like all things, it was easier to understand in hindsight, to see all the things he'd gotten wrong. And he really didn't see it as Kavinsky's fault, think that he'd done things wrong until the very end, and by then Ronan could understand why he'd reacted the way that he had: feeling like he was underwater, willing to do anything to get his attention. It didn't mean that he was okay with the fact that he'd tried to kidnap Matthew, exactly, but he understood that he'd had a role to play in how things got so far.
He draws his hand in slow circles against his back, trying to be soothing, reassuring, trying to let Kavinsky know that he's here, and that Ronan's here for him.]
I wanted you, you know. I dreamt about you sometimes. About what it would be like if you touched me. If we kissed. If we- did other stuff. But I was still all in my head about what it meant to be a dreamer. I thought it meant having to make up for what I was. And the idea of liking boys was-- I dunno. Made it worse.
[I hated myself, is what he doesn't say outloud, but thinks that Kavinsky will understand it anyway. About what the weight had been like, how heavy it was to carry those feelings.]
So you weren't wrong, K. It was just overwhelming. And the idea of wanting you and you wanting me back fucking terrified me because I wanted it so much. I thought that I could just... push you away and that things would go back to how they were before. That they wouldn't have to change. That I wouldn't have to change.
[He laughs a little, but it's not mocking, just rueful and a little bit sad. It feels almost tragic because of the fact that he'd basically broken his own heart. No wonder things hadn't worked out with Adam -- he'd handed him his broken heart like it was a car he could fix. And Parrish deserved so much better than that.]
I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, not for real.