[Kavinsky said that he couldn't think of anyone better, and he just held him for a moment, tucking his face into his shoulder. Just soaking up the feel of his skin, the reassurance of his body. They were both tactile creatures, and physicality often came easier than words, especially for Ronan. But he did realize that they needed the words, too. Even he needed them, needed to hear that it was okay. That he was okay.
After that he didn't pause until they were in K's room, gently kicking the door shut and locking it- more in case the other boy's mother came home than anything. But he smiles softly as Kavinsky said that he'd like to see the Barns. It made him feel- he didn't even know, exactly. Warm. Something about K wanting to see the house where he'd grown up, a place watered by his father's dreams. Maybe not the most stable place to make a life, but it had been his life. And now the Barns was his, for real.]
Okay. I want to show it to you. Because it's- you'll get it.
[He didn't really know how to explain it better than that, but the words were soft and fond. The sheer mention of it was trust and intimacy and openness- everything that Kavinsky thought it was. But Ronan meant it, as he looked at the other boy. He's started to realize that he had grown up in a place for dreams and dreamers, and that Kavinsky had not. So he wanted to show him, give him the feeling of what it was like, even if only for a little while- just to be able to breathe. To know there was a place in the world that felt like that.
What it was like to know how vast their dreams could be without having to fight for it. A place where Ronan could say dreamer outloud without that thrill of guilt; but he didn't have to because every twisted branch and fairy cow and sunbeam said it for him. And yet Kavinsky had still taught him so much about being a dreamer. And he wanted to try and give him something back. To tell him it had mattered when the words were still hard.
Once he was sitting on K's bed, he took his hand and tugged him down next to him. On another night, he might have asked for something to take the edge off. Right now, he just dove in before he lost his nerve.]
I want you more than I want anyone else. [He says it simple, the best attempt he has to frame the rest of it.]
But I had feelings about Skov too, you know. Nothing I ever meant to do anything about, cause he has Swan. But I wouldn't have kissed him-- I mean fuck, I sucked his dick that one time, and I kept thinking about how I wanted to do it again.
[Ronan doesn't look quite guilty or ashamed as much as confused. Feelings he hasn't admitted to, and as new as he is to relationships he hadn't known how to deal with any of this shit. But he was pretty sure that thinking about going down on someone else was not good boyfriend behavior, even with the mess that Ronan and Kavinsky and his knot of unfairly attractive boys had always been. For the moment he just holds onto the other dreamer tighter, like he thinks he might pull away from him.]
And then you wanted to know what we were, and I dunno man, it felt like I'd already fucked it up or something. Like I was already a bad boyfriend and we hadn't even officially gone on a date yet. And I didn't know how the fuck to say any of that. And telling you to fuck off was easier-- I know I was an asshole.
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After that he didn't pause until they were in K's room, gently kicking the door shut and locking it- more in case the other boy's mother came home than anything. But he smiles softly as Kavinsky said that he'd like to see the Barns. It made him feel- he didn't even know, exactly. Warm. Something about K wanting to see the house where he'd grown up, a place watered by his father's dreams. Maybe not the most stable place to make a life, but it had been his life. And now the Barns was his, for real.]
Okay. I want to show it to you. Because it's- you'll get it.
[He didn't really know how to explain it better than that, but the words were soft and fond. The sheer mention of it was trust and intimacy and openness- everything that Kavinsky thought it was. But Ronan meant it, as he looked at the other boy. He's started to realize that he had grown up in a place for dreams and dreamers, and that Kavinsky had not. So he wanted to show him, give him the feeling of what it was like, even if only for a little while- just to be able to breathe. To know there was a place in the world that felt like that.
What it was like to know how vast their dreams could be without having to fight for it. A place where Ronan could say dreamer outloud without that thrill of guilt; but he didn't have to because every twisted branch and fairy cow and sunbeam said it for him. And yet Kavinsky had still taught him so much about being a dreamer. And he wanted to try and give him something back. To tell him it had mattered when the words were still hard.
Once he was sitting on K's bed, he took his hand and tugged him down next to him. On another night, he might have asked for something to take the edge off. Right now, he just dove in before he lost his nerve.]
I want you more than I want anyone else. [He says it simple, the best attempt he has to frame the rest of it.]
But I had feelings about Skov too, you know. Nothing I ever meant to do anything about, cause he has Swan. But I wouldn't have kissed him-- I mean fuck, I sucked his dick that one time, and I kept thinking about how I wanted to do it again.
[Ronan doesn't look quite guilty or ashamed as much as confused. Feelings he hasn't admitted to, and as new as he is to relationships he hadn't known how to deal with any of this shit. But he was pretty sure that thinking about going down on someone else was not good boyfriend behavior, even with the mess that Ronan and Kavinsky and his knot of unfairly attractive boys had always been. For the moment he just holds onto the other dreamer tighter, like he thinks he might pull away from him.]
And then you wanted to know what we were, and I dunno man, it felt like I'd already fucked it up or something. Like I was already a bad boyfriend and we hadn't even officially gone on a date yet. And I didn't know how the fuck to say any of that. And telling you to fuck off was easier-- I know I was an asshole.